Too fast. I was worried that time (as I am, most of the time, whenever I accompany) about the length of the communion song I played during the Mass, thinking that it might trample the next schedule, as well as, the presider and classmates might be in a hurry to finish the Mass. So, I didn’t continue the last few verses of the song and stopped midway thinking that it was already long enough. Then, few seconds later, Fr. Manol suggested, “be…slow, serene, still…”. I was immediately struck. “Was that because of what I did to the song a while ago?” I thought. As I looked around, most of my classmates looked at me with taunting smiles. Then I started to fell uneasy. Since before, I have been branded as “Boy Paspas” because I act and walk fast. An hour later, the mug I washed fell off my hands and broke its handle. “Oh my...! Could this be an affirmation!?” immediately entered into my mind. Hence, this is my theme for this paper. Since the start of the 2-week orientation, this had been my dominant theme during sharing periods.
Yes, all throughout the sessions, we had been tackling about what a future servant-leader should be. And with that, we had been given and citing examples of some diocesan priests who had been doing misbehaviors which misled the goal to be in the likeness of the Good Shepherd. Deep within me, at first I was convinced that I could cover them up by my innate good characteristics and deeds when I become a priest. But when the issue on how most priests struggled to devote quiet prayerful days for reflection during clergy retreats or just on their parishes, my idealistic imagination suddenly exploded like a bubble; I paused for a while. Then, I asked, “When I become a priest and be assigned in a busy parish, can and will I still set a weekend-per-month moment for solitude and prayer?”. The question was quite disturbing and haunting; and it was even more disturbing when I looked for an answer: I recalled the situation when I was still assigned at Cabanglasan, Bukidnon last year. And the answer was unsatisfactory. For that was when I was commented by the 2 priests regarding the irregularity of my presence during daily Masses. I am still a seminarian, and when I become busy and fast, I could not even open my breviary. Yes, I had deep and memorable prayer periods that time but it seemed that some of them were quite “fast”. Why? Because I always talk and ask and talk and ask… Well, clearly, it’s never wrong to ask as the Psalms would explain, and Christ himself said. But in looking for answers in prayer, I should not have been so “fast and furious”. Then it was from Fr. Manol (last week) that I grasped clearly the terms on how it is to look for answers – speaking (that’s what I do), listening (but sometimes not yet found here), and discerning (how? Where? (the answer could be somewhere, in a situation or experience, etc).
Too furious. Why do I easily react, get irritated or down when teased or commented by my classmates? To tell you, I was anxious. Could this be a sign of an emotional immaturity? Or simply because I lack the silence and love for prayer when there’s a lot of time I should have used? Both of them? I think so. Am I still a seed or a plant? Fr. Manol assured me (or us) that I am no longer a seed. Yes, I am a plant already! As I reminisced all my memories and my few rising-up-from-the-fall experiences, I could say I am a plant already; but still a tiny plant or even a tiny seedling whose stems just sprouted and opened up. There is still a lot of sack-full nurturing to be done; a lot of enriching-the-soil mechanisms to be cultivated; and this GY soil holds within me the promise and hope to grow. Yes, there are and could be some immaturities, self-pity and low self-regard, but I am consoled like particularly when Fr. Manol enumerated the series of activities that will happen this year. For then and there, deep in my heart, I exclaimed, “This is the ‘best’ seminary, and what a privilege and grace to be a part of this ‘pinaka’ seminary! This is where I belong! Like me as a son to Tatay, “Abba”!
Yet, alongside with that, comes also a reality of anxiety and pressure troubling my being now. “A 101% active participation of this program means an immediate ordination or even a canonization for a Galilean,” as commented by those who had heard of the restructured and more enriched GY (SHUPFY) program. Honestly speaking, this struggle within pressures me greatly now; peer pressure, inner noise. It’s as if I was still on top of the waves and wasn’t yet in the still and serene depths of the sea. I REALLY NEED MY “ABBA” NOW! As I realize it, it’s really prayer that I really desire and I really have to nourish it first and foremost. If before, this desire was still quite written on stone; this time, when I ask this need and grace for prayer, I mean it now! The Jesuits were right; I should have striven to commit myself in a deep-loving devotion to the Holy Eucharist. And yet, above all, I could not do all such things without the GRACE of God. That’s what I really desire. Because I believed that it’s the magnificent and mysterious GRACE of God that keeps me standing right now despite my limitations; that marks this smile on my face despite the jeers and low moments. With the help of the GRACE of God, through the director and his team, and with my classmates, may this GRACE of a prayerful servant-leader be the burning core that warms my whole being…and everything follows…slow and abanid. Thanks be to God!
LEONILO A. DAGPIN, JR.
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