THE GIFT

The dozen days had it all: New bonds of friendship, shaking relationships, laughter, tears, singing, dryness, energy, drains, freedom, tension, art, mere words, denials, realizations, pressures, and challenges. Truly, alongside energy was tension. Yes, I experienced pressure, but it never had the last word, for beneath such tension was GRACE; it took the victor’s crown, ‘Twas Grace In the Finals!
Well, how could I not express such joyful awe and appreciation when even as early as now, I could already see and feel how a house will be standing in solid ground with sturdy structures that will firmly hold the beauty of art portrayed on its exteriors – simply because all the needed materials are complete, even more and nothing less! The “nails” of weekly modules and orientations were strong and unbreakable. And here came two separate “hardwood bars”: the hospital ministry and the PSI. Yes, at first, I thought the two would not become a good pair to form a “column” (pillar). But as the building grows, it was then that I realized how my “hammer” of inner struggles, feelings, and experiences (provided the aid of the “nails”) became instrumental in the union and connection of such strong beams. And let me not set aside how the Great Designer-Architect allowed and guided the hands of the “mason builders”-formators to carefully and whole-heartedly make use of the “hammer”. My realization of a repressed anger during the hospital ministry evaluation was never left behind. It was even more deeply affirmed and accompanied by the PSI. The salutation, appreciation, and praise I gave to the formation team during the hospital ministry were even more kindled during the PSI. Praise God, the “mason builders” really got it right!
But of course, such uplift of spirit was not without its struggles. The process itself was tedious: Eyes had to be moistened, lips had to quiver, and body had to be drained. FROM light preliminary activities of showing and presenting the images of vocation and talents I usually portray INTO searching deeper the awareness of the conscious and unconscious needs enlivened by the catharsis, EPPS, and Transcendence evaluations – then came the chattering voices from within, “Why am I like this?!”, I don’t believe on the EPPS results!”, “Why invalid?!”, “Why low-esteem?!”, “Me! An exhibitionist?!”, “Why can’t I just simply shout and cry out these angry beasts within?!” “Why can’t I be angry at them?!”, “Why?...How come?!...” Yes, it was a difficult struggle; my whole body even got numb, and I almost got into trouble with my just-recuperating lung malfunctions. But, my first impression never lasted. Thank God! There was a fantastic “mason worker” team, specifically Ate Eva! With her careful use of my “hammer” as she professionally and spiritually read between the lines of my results, my rebellious “owws?!” became an enlightened “ahhh!” With her aid in slowly and gradually removing the cloth which wrapped my kid’s mouth and the chains that bound his hand, he is now slowly speaking and expressing up all the suppressed, un-uttered voices. He needs me to befriend and re-parent his vulnerabilities. And my growing awareness in being careful in my choice of words in papers from this time on – is a very good start.
And with the PSI’s concluding challenge of harmonizing the transcendental values I hold into the ideals of how, what, and where I will be in the near future, the risk of opening up my self to formation is getting deeper and deeper. The concluding prayerful atmosphere itself assures me that in all these complexities, Christ is “before, behind, within, over, around us and under our feet…” The Architect envisions a house that he always dreams of.
Yes, the “happily-ever-after” story does not end here yet…there is still some rocky ways to go; I may still be on the rise and fall on the different levels in the naming, claiming and taming acts; my tears were not yet dry; my eyebrows will still meet in anger – but the Architect-Designer, through the hands of the mason-workers-formators have done their undivided parts and contributions; I too am striving now to do mine and cooperate…Then I even more deeply be assured to see only “one set of footprints in the sand”.
As I face the 30-day retreat, I’ll bring with me a “shovel” and work with it. For it is then that I’ll be digging a deep hole good enough for the pillars of my “house” to have its Very Solid Ground Foundation that soon no storm could ever break.
Everything that happened and will happen here is indeed THE GIFT, and it is in this gift that the True Gold Is Found!

LEONILO A. DAGPIN, JR.
October 8, 2008