FIRST TIMES, THE BEST TIMES
Without them, God, my life, the retreat, my family, and my trials that went with them, I couldn’t thank Him this way…this great! This was the realization that suddenly flashed into my being few minutes after I sat on the chair of the bus and left home. This kindled a smile on me; just couldn’t measure how happy and thankful I was that time, as I reminisced on my seat the memories I had since the Family Dynamics seminar until the moment I stepped into the staircase of the bus. How could I not bear a smile and a light heart when in the very first place, my family was a very great part of the unconditional WORTH He made so clear to and with me during such a 30-day experience! And it was through the very presence, the very faces, and the very ever commendable simple actions, the very soft and heartwarming words of the Holy Family! It was so memorable that I couldn’t help but shed a tear or two every time I remember such intimacy even during the other day’s Mass.
And so came the 5th week, the longest week of the exercises. And this time, the focus was the family. With them, the week had set my time for the application, for the renewal of license, for the constant firewood to continue my heart to burn with love and grace. The presence of a professional like Fr. Nilo was so great and remarkable. His presence was a gift for me. For he managed to accompany me and made me see, discover, and realize, for the first time in my life, the deepest realities of my clan, specifically my family, particularly my parents. It was a big, “Ahh...that’s why!” I salute him! Then they arrived, 3 days later. It was the right time, the perfect schedule, and the best venue; for when I already had been packed with a wide scope of awareness and taught with a heart-full way of approach, I was then ready to face a difficult and sensitive task in the midst of them. In fact, I was troubled and worried starting the day before the exchange of hearts. Yet, I never ceased to submit of God all that will happen in the light of His ever-guiding will. And during my pre-sharing prayer moment, while I was on the chapel reflecting upon the series of events that had happened since the beginning of GY, I really felt a different, dawning-joyful beat of my heart; another first-ever experience to happen in my life – that this coming Christmas and New Year will be a different season for me and my family; I could sense it! It was a fire starting to blaze in our hearts and there’s a lot of firewood to flare it up!
Indeed, it was! The warm and affectionate sharing we 3 had was a very good and promising start. Embraced by prayer, feelings were poured out, joys and sentiments were expressed. I opened up mine: My joy and gratitude, my sorrows and sins that caused them pain, my emotions in behalf of my brothers, and a prayer-full, heart-opening sentiment that loosened up rigidities in them. They, too, opened up their hearts: Preliminary justifications were soon transformed into a humble acceptance and eager desire to revive what was lost in our family. How light, loosened, and free was the feeling we had after the sharing! That was the first time ever! And I thanked God for it! “This will truly be a different Christmas when we get home!” I thought. We ended up aware of each other’s orientations, backgrounds and resolutions. They understood me; I too even much understood my mama and papa. The theory (modules, inputs, seminars we had since the beginning) and the application (sharing period with the parents) finally met in my heart; they will walk together from this time on, for the rest of my years.
And this time, after confronting prayerfully the issues from within ourselves, from the roots, we became a team – then it became an avenue for us to move on to extend our united hands and hearts to the rest of the family: to Manoy, in particular. We, them, agreed and came up on a schedule when to have a family prayer session together with him; and the date was on the ever-memorable December 25. I personally suggested such date and activity because I myself together with my little brother would like to verbally express our love for him within the atmosphere of a prayerful family sharing period. We hadn’t expressed this word to him yet, and little did our actions too. I believe, as what I had expressed to my parents that this will contribute a lot to the healing of his current illness: head pains that no physician could ever identify except his psychiatrist. I believed, we believed, this was what he finally needed for recovery. For He too, like me, had been in trouble with the family’s rigidity. But concretely, this would never be easy; we knew him; I personally knew him since I, who was only a year younger, grew up with him so closely; a characteristic one needs to be so prudent and sensitive in approaching. We had failed before; we sent a priest to talk to him but ended up in vain. My parents were so rigid on him (especially during his early years of turning away) that he resisted, and even moved away from us physically for years until last year. We had maintained an approach since then, as recommended by some priests and friends – to simply let go of our rigidity, let him be, and still let him feel that he was loved, supported, and a great part of the family though he had gone away. Yet, the rigidity was still present, and the family seminar sharing became an even wider eye and heart-opener. Thanks be to God!
Now that he was already home with us for almost a year now, we had expressed a different approach; with the same, and even deeper expressions of prudence and sensitivity. Yet still in my heart, seeing the context at home as Christmas was approaching, I opened my arms wide to the will of the Father – I will still be open to possibilities. Things might not happen according to what had been planned, but as long as it was discerned in my heart that whatever happened in our striving, it would still be His Will that will be done. Situation-wise, no prayer-sharing happened on December 25. The place (we spent that day on our farmland in Baliangao where he was asked by his doctor to stay there for medical reasons) was not that conducive or fitting for the set intimate family moment. We realized there are lots of people there and the need was not that compatible that somehow lessened the possibility for such a private gathering. Instead, God allowed and blessed a different kind of sharing. Not just on that day but even before that day until January 2, His plan was working behind every move we made. For it was rather a sharing of actions that spoke louder than words that time. It was so unbelievable to see and experience how Manoy had changed a lot these days! It was so awesome! Indeed, how mysterious God’s ways were, He filled up spaces. My thanksgiving was overflowing, it was more than words!
It all started when as we were about to leave the seminary after the Family Day, he asked me through text messages that if possible, my parents could buy the guitar he dreamt of, the one he saw in Iligan 2 years ago. But as we looked at the price, it had gone so high, almost thrice the price it had few years ago. Though worried that it might hurt his feelings again and would then think we hadn’t granted his few wishes, I still pursued in telling him prudently through a call that we couldn’t afford to buy the guitar. Thankfully, though he expressed a bit of sadness, he assured he was still fine. From the Family Day, I already expressed to my parents how they (we) acted to him that could have hurt his feelings before; and how we must act, this time: To simply love and accept him as he is now, free of all pressures and rigidity. “There’s more than Math, there’s more than engineering in him...” as Fr. Nilo reminded me. Then, my heart suddenly beat a preparation as we reached home in Dapitan: I, together with my little brother, went to a music center in Dipolog and agreed on a very wonderful quality-marked guitar, yet in a different design and lesser price than his dream one. We decided to buy it through the savings that we had and planned to give it to Manoy, and this time, as a gift, a surprise gift from the 2 of us this Christmas. This was another first time for the 2 of us to give a gift to our Manoy. And what was so special was that, we wrote in a greeting card a very touching message for him, all that I wished to say to him, the very words that I had wished to express to him; how much we, his brothers, LOVE him so much…that he was, is and will always be our idol. And on that awaited day, though I was worried that he might not like it since it wasn’t his dream guitar, we gave it him to his surprise. And what was so moving was that when he opened the wrapped gift and played it, he said it had the best quality, matched the guitar he dreamt of, and he loved it very, very much! Though he never verbally uttered the word “Thank you” words (we understood him already since before, he’s not that verbal), after receiving the gift and read the greeting card, I could see in his eyes how happy he was! I could see in his happy, transformed face how he savored in his deepest core the very words we wrote on the card. And when we saw him happy, we too got a share of it. Miraculously, Manoy has really changed a lot now, not anymore the same Manoy we (brothers) knew before as strict and loner. He smiles now, he converses now, he goes outside now and socializes, he exercises now, and the most remarkable was that, he plays the guitar and sings with us, his 2 brothers, now – a memorable first time event that had been happening surprisingly these days.. I never lose hope though we hadn’t actualized the plan, but see how things happened? It was even four-fold! See how we did our best, and God did the rest!
Then, I thought of the activity on the coming New Year. Another related event(s) happened during the New Year, not the planned one again. But such activity, so Spirit-filled that it even more and more flared our hopeful hearts up! The very fact that he went with us to Iligan City (in our ancestral home) as we traditionally did every New Year (as he was not used to do before especially now that he had an illness) made our hearts leap for joy. His stay with us even for just a couple of days was unbelievable; it was like a dream that I wished I would never wake up: We (the 3 of us) sang songs together, we laughed, we sat beside each other and talk – no religious sects; we even understood each other now regarding that. Then came the last few seconds before New Year; and for the first time in our Family New Year history, given the best situation, time, and mood, we greeted 2009, not with firecrackers and coins-throwing, but with a family prayer. We closed doors for a while, and knelt before the altar. The atmosphere was so emotional, so Spirit-filled! And what was so glorifying was that, in our hearts, each of us could feel it, were so much filled with the deepest joy we ever experienced as a family. For during the prayer, each of us never uttered the words we used to strenuously say before, “Mobalik na unta si Manoy…”, but what was dominant was the word THANKSGIVING! Thanksgiving, because though we are not still that whole, we, I was still so thankful to God for what had been happening to our family now; to be as a whole family back is so very, very, very close to realization already! We could feel our hearts burning for it! I could not help but thank God for it in full tears before our old altar (where we used to gather as a family before). Gratitude and imminent hope and promise triumphed over rigidity and pressure! “It is the Lord!” I remembered my being a shepherd carrying the baby Jesus on my contemplation during the retreat. Indeed, it was Him that my family celebrated in those treasured days. For each of us were now whispering in great joy, assured and hopeful, “Manoy has come back! Manoy has come back!” And for the first time that night, so moving, that for my whole 25 years of existence, we had our first ever picture complete as a whole family! And the masterpiece was full of smiles, and the smiles, if one looks at them, expressed that each of us had received the greatest Christmas gift from the very Gift Himself: “That we are a family again, so close, very close to be whole again!” I will develop a large size of it, frame it and hang it right inside our house. I will even soon post the picture as my Friendster’s primary photo to tell the whole wide world that it was because of Christ that we were getting so close in getting back to being totally whole again as a family.
Yes, the supposed plan was not yet actualized, I’m still looking forward to doing it soon, why rush then. Healing, I believe, takes time, quality time…mama resonated. I remembered her before telling me that she would never lose hope; now, look at what she had hoped for!
Manoy still have the marks of his past, as well as his two younger brothers. Mama and Papa still have the marks of the rigid backgrounds and orientations. Yet, the first times we had, the best times, had begun, it will never be too late anymore. And there’s no reason for me to lose hope. Hopelessness could never quench the fire burning fervently in my heart now!
Now let me go back to the One and the place all these things had taken root.
“Thank you Lord for bringing me here in the seminary, for letting me experience what it takes to be a true Galilean”. For without God through Vianney, I could never have realized such WORTH from Him; only in Vianney…only in GY…only with my formators, batch mates, and the people I met did I find a true family in my own family and in families I will soon be with. And He never forsakes, “Take all my will Oh Lord! Your love and grace is much enough for me…see what you have given next, dear One: EVERYTHING FOLLOWS! Indeed, it is the Lord!
LEONILO A.DAGPIN, JR.
January 6, 2009
Without them, God, my life, the retreat, my family, and my trials that went with them, I couldn’t thank Him this way…this great! This was the realization that suddenly flashed into my being few minutes after I sat on the chair of the bus and left home. This kindled a smile on me; just couldn’t measure how happy and thankful I was that time, as I reminisced on my seat the memories I had since the Family Dynamics seminar until the moment I stepped into the staircase of the bus. How could I not bear a smile and a light heart when in the very first place, my family was a very great part of the unconditional WORTH He made so clear to and with me during such a 30-day experience! And it was through the very presence, the very faces, and the very ever commendable simple actions, the very soft and heartwarming words of the Holy Family! It was so memorable that I couldn’t help but shed a tear or two every time I remember such intimacy even during the other day’s Mass.
And so came the 5th week, the longest week of the exercises. And this time, the focus was the family. With them, the week had set my time for the application, for the renewal of license, for the constant firewood to continue my heart to burn with love and grace. The presence of a professional like Fr. Nilo was so great and remarkable. His presence was a gift for me. For he managed to accompany me and made me see, discover, and realize, for the first time in my life, the deepest realities of my clan, specifically my family, particularly my parents. It was a big, “Ahh...that’s why!” I salute him! Then they arrived, 3 days later. It was the right time, the perfect schedule, and the best venue; for when I already had been packed with a wide scope of awareness and taught with a heart-full way of approach, I was then ready to face a difficult and sensitive task in the midst of them. In fact, I was troubled and worried starting the day before the exchange of hearts. Yet, I never ceased to submit of God all that will happen in the light of His ever-guiding will. And during my pre-sharing prayer moment, while I was on the chapel reflecting upon the series of events that had happened since the beginning of GY, I really felt a different, dawning-joyful beat of my heart; another first-ever experience to happen in my life – that this coming Christmas and New Year will be a different season for me and my family; I could sense it! It was a fire starting to blaze in our hearts and there’s a lot of firewood to flare it up!
Indeed, it was! The warm and affectionate sharing we 3 had was a very good and promising start. Embraced by prayer, feelings were poured out, joys and sentiments were expressed. I opened up mine: My joy and gratitude, my sorrows and sins that caused them pain, my emotions in behalf of my brothers, and a prayer-full, heart-opening sentiment that loosened up rigidities in them. They, too, opened up their hearts: Preliminary justifications were soon transformed into a humble acceptance and eager desire to revive what was lost in our family. How light, loosened, and free was the feeling we had after the sharing! That was the first time ever! And I thanked God for it! “This will truly be a different Christmas when we get home!” I thought. We ended up aware of each other’s orientations, backgrounds and resolutions. They understood me; I too even much understood my mama and papa. The theory (modules, inputs, seminars we had since the beginning) and the application (sharing period with the parents) finally met in my heart; they will walk together from this time on, for the rest of my years.
And this time, after confronting prayerfully the issues from within ourselves, from the roots, we became a team – then it became an avenue for us to move on to extend our united hands and hearts to the rest of the family: to Manoy, in particular. We, them, agreed and came up on a schedule when to have a family prayer session together with him; and the date was on the ever-memorable December 25. I personally suggested such date and activity because I myself together with my little brother would like to verbally express our love for him within the atmosphere of a prayerful family sharing period. We hadn’t expressed this word to him yet, and little did our actions too. I believe, as what I had expressed to my parents that this will contribute a lot to the healing of his current illness: head pains that no physician could ever identify except his psychiatrist. I believed, we believed, this was what he finally needed for recovery. For He too, like me, had been in trouble with the family’s rigidity. But concretely, this would never be easy; we knew him; I personally knew him since I, who was only a year younger, grew up with him so closely; a characteristic one needs to be so prudent and sensitive in approaching. We had failed before; we sent a priest to talk to him but ended up in vain. My parents were so rigid on him (especially during his early years of turning away) that he resisted, and even moved away from us physically for years until last year. We had maintained an approach since then, as recommended by some priests and friends – to simply let go of our rigidity, let him be, and still let him feel that he was loved, supported, and a great part of the family though he had gone away. Yet, the rigidity was still present, and the family seminar sharing became an even wider eye and heart-opener. Thanks be to God!
Now that he was already home with us for almost a year now, we had expressed a different approach; with the same, and even deeper expressions of prudence and sensitivity. Yet still in my heart, seeing the context at home as Christmas was approaching, I opened my arms wide to the will of the Father – I will still be open to possibilities. Things might not happen according to what had been planned, but as long as it was discerned in my heart that whatever happened in our striving, it would still be His Will that will be done. Situation-wise, no prayer-sharing happened on December 25. The place (we spent that day on our farmland in Baliangao where he was asked by his doctor to stay there for medical reasons) was not that conducive or fitting for the set intimate family moment. We realized there are lots of people there and the need was not that compatible that somehow lessened the possibility for such a private gathering. Instead, God allowed and blessed a different kind of sharing. Not just on that day but even before that day until January 2, His plan was working behind every move we made. For it was rather a sharing of actions that spoke louder than words that time. It was so unbelievable to see and experience how Manoy had changed a lot these days! It was so awesome! Indeed, how mysterious God’s ways were, He filled up spaces. My thanksgiving was overflowing, it was more than words!
It all started when as we were about to leave the seminary after the Family Day, he asked me through text messages that if possible, my parents could buy the guitar he dreamt of, the one he saw in Iligan 2 years ago. But as we looked at the price, it had gone so high, almost thrice the price it had few years ago. Though worried that it might hurt his feelings again and would then think we hadn’t granted his few wishes, I still pursued in telling him prudently through a call that we couldn’t afford to buy the guitar. Thankfully, though he expressed a bit of sadness, he assured he was still fine. From the Family Day, I already expressed to my parents how they (we) acted to him that could have hurt his feelings before; and how we must act, this time: To simply love and accept him as he is now, free of all pressures and rigidity. “There’s more than Math, there’s more than engineering in him...” as Fr. Nilo reminded me. Then, my heart suddenly beat a preparation as we reached home in Dapitan: I, together with my little brother, went to a music center in Dipolog and agreed on a very wonderful quality-marked guitar, yet in a different design and lesser price than his dream one. We decided to buy it through the savings that we had and planned to give it to Manoy, and this time, as a gift, a surprise gift from the 2 of us this Christmas. This was another first time for the 2 of us to give a gift to our Manoy. And what was so special was that, we wrote in a greeting card a very touching message for him, all that I wished to say to him, the very words that I had wished to express to him; how much we, his brothers, LOVE him so much…that he was, is and will always be our idol. And on that awaited day, though I was worried that he might not like it since it wasn’t his dream guitar, we gave it him to his surprise. And what was so moving was that when he opened the wrapped gift and played it, he said it had the best quality, matched the guitar he dreamt of, and he loved it very, very much! Though he never verbally uttered the word “Thank you” words (we understood him already since before, he’s not that verbal), after receiving the gift and read the greeting card, I could see in his eyes how happy he was! I could see in his happy, transformed face how he savored in his deepest core the very words we wrote on the card. And when we saw him happy, we too got a share of it. Miraculously, Manoy has really changed a lot now, not anymore the same Manoy we (brothers) knew before as strict and loner. He smiles now, he converses now, he goes outside now and socializes, he exercises now, and the most remarkable was that, he plays the guitar and sings with us, his 2 brothers, now – a memorable first time event that had been happening surprisingly these days.. I never lose hope though we hadn’t actualized the plan, but see how things happened? It was even four-fold! See how we did our best, and God did the rest!
Then, I thought of the activity on the coming New Year. Another related event(s) happened during the New Year, not the planned one again. But such activity, so Spirit-filled that it even more and more flared our hopeful hearts up! The very fact that he went with us to Iligan City (in our ancestral home) as we traditionally did every New Year (as he was not used to do before especially now that he had an illness) made our hearts leap for joy. His stay with us even for just a couple of days was unbelievable; it was like a dream that I wished I would never wake up: We (the 3 of us) sang songs together, we laughed, we sat beside each other and talk – no religious sects; we even understood each other now regarding that. Then came the last few seconds before New Year; and for the first time in our Family New Year history, given the best situation, time, and mood, we greeted 2009, not with firecrackers and coins-throwing, but with a family prayer. We closed doors for a while, and knelt before the altar. The atmosphere was so emotional, so Spirit-filled! And what was so glorifying was that, in our hearts, each of us could feel it, were so much filled with the deepest joy we ever experienced as a family. For during the prayer, each of us never uttered the words we used to strenuously say before, “Mobalik na unta si Manoy…”, but what was dominant was the word THANKSGIVING! Thanksgiving, because though we are not still that whole, we, I was still so thankful to God for what had been happening to our family now; to be as a whole family back is so very, very, very close to realization already! We could feel our hearts burning for it! I could not help but thank God for it in full tears before our old altar (where we used to gather as a family before). Gratitude and imminent hope and promise triumphed over rigidity and pressure! “It is the Lord!” I remembered my being a shepherd carrying the baby Jesus on my contemplation during the retreat. Indeed, it was Him that my family celebrated in those treasured days. For each of us were now whispering in great joy, assured and hopeful, “Manoy has come back! Manoy has come back!” And for the first time that night, so moving, that for my whole 25 years of existence, we had our first ever picture complete as a whole family! And the masterpiece was full of smiles, and the smiles, if one looks at them, expressed that each of us had received the greatest Christmas gift from the very Gift Himself: “That we are a family again, so close, very close to be whole again!” I will develop a large size of it, frame it and hang it right inside our house. I will even soon post the picture as my Friendster’s primary photo to tell the whole wide world that it was because of Christ that we were getting so close in getting back to being totally whole again as a family.
Yes, the supposed plan was not yet actualized, I’m still looking forward to doing it soon, why rush then. Healing, I believe, takes time, quality time…mama resonated. I remembered her before telling me that she would never lose hope; now, look at what she had hoped for!
Manoy still have the marks of his past, as well as his two younger brothers. Mama and Papa still have the marks of the rigid backgrounds and orientations. Yet, the first times we had, the best times, had begun, it will never be too late anymore. And there’s no reason for me to lose hope. Hopelessness could never quench the fire burning fervently in my heart now!
Now let me go back to the One and the place all these things had taken root.
“Thank you Lord for bringing me here in the seminary, for letting me experience what it takes to be a true Galilean”. For without God through Vianney, I could never have realized such WORTH from Him; only in Vianney…only in GY…only with my formators, batch mates, and the people I met did I find a true family in my own family and in families I will soon be with. And He never forsakes, “Take all my will Oh Lord! Your love and grace is much enough for me…see what you have given next, dear One: EVERYTHING FOLLOWS! Indeed, it is the Lord!
LEONILO A.DAGPIN, JR.
January 6, 2009
Thank you kuya for letting me read all your articles here in blogspot.com coz it helps me a lot... to strengthen and be strong despite all the challenges I and we, encountered also in our family... Karon pa gyud ko nakabalo why naka ingon ka naku kuya na maka relate ka sa akoa about sa amo problema sa ako sis...
ReplyDeleteYES! I strongly agree that "healing takes time", kay sa pagka karon fresh pa ang tanan nahitabo ug naa pa ang gap. Time will come na ang wounded heart will be healed kay maskin unsaon pa ug bali2x igso-on nato sila and anak sa ato parents...
As what my father told us, sa isa ka bulig saging naa gyud pyapi o nalahi ang size and trials daw ni sa amo pamilya na kailangan atobangon. And thanks GOD kauban na namo ako elder sister karon kay naa man ko dinhi sa akong hometown now,niuli.. Nice kaayo ang feeling na completo mi tanan magkaon sa amo dining table and pray the holy rosary every night together...
May the Almighty Father Bless all of us always..