"SUGNOD" (firewood)

SUGNOD
“Get all my will oh Lord, please help me get them! I offer them to you; use them oh Lord! Will me! I give you everything Lord! I’m just so self-centered! I always do what I will and here I am frustrated again!” Personal issues weren’t far from my retreat.
GRATITUDE – foaming, brimming, and overflowing. God is sooo full of surprises. It was the gratitude rooted in WORTH! – and no longer just an ordinary 5-letter word for me. It was primarily my lack and yet given and even rooted in the context of LOVE! So how could every thing not flow from it! The serenity of the place and in the stillness of my heart, God showed every worth in a slow, soaking, deep-penetrating pace, so that every time I savor them, I could not help but smile.
Well, how could I not! The typical Jun who just couldn’t be set apart from his low-esteem; who couldn’t forget his Grade 1 and 3 scam and theft; who, due to asthma, gave in to the attractive façade of the “world” to boast and compensate; who just recently indirectly rejected his father; in short, a speck of dust – was acknowledged and given the WORTH from One’s activity and sacrifice of life.
One overflowing worth…manifested in three degrees during my retreat… The first week expressed such. Because of that worth, as early as November 2, helpless tears of deepest begging spontaneously cried out the very words mentioned above when I tend to get away from sacrificing my own will to Him. Because of that worth, I was able to see how I was called even before I was born, put me in the right generation, race and time, packed me with gifts and talents. Because of that worth, Jesus cried and endured death for my shame of sin. Because of that worth, He never ceased to wait when I was so prodigal. Because of that worth, he didn’t send me to hell through the family I have now. And because of that worth, he led me back to the basics: how to need (spiritual poverty) and give (actual poverty).
The first few days of the second week that enkindled the deeper manifestation of worth in my whole person showed how my being a servant deeply revealed the true Mary and Joseph who shed tears of both reverential fear and joyful humility. And it was the “shepherd” in me, poorest and lowliest, that the ever-widest coverage of God’s love was revealed through the Child in the manger. And yet, the other sway of the swing, the other standard, made its moves felt. Looking at the remarkable characteristic of the Holy Family, a desire to have a family like that, made me compare mine with them. But the greatest Standard prevailed! They expressed through their very words and deeds how simple people boost and value the basic love and goodness in me and in my family.
This time, the third manifestation of worth was expressed through another word – FRIENDSHIP! And this was, is, and will be it; the best friendship I ever experienced. No other matched such one. For basically, all other friendships are based on Jesus’ friendship to each one – to me! See how he invited me to be with him as he left home to respond to a growing and brimming, irresistible, flaming heart to the will of Abba; how he assured me of the presence of the Father, Son and Spirit within me on the Jordan event; how we embraced with so much joy and companionship after a successful 40-day retreat; how he taught me to transform pride to humility during Peter’s call; how he actualized the worth of a child when he enjoyed playing with children; how he cried pitifully and embraced me when he raised my “Lazarus”; how he expressed emotions as he foretold his death, plead to carry my cross, and assured me of hope and renewal; how he laughed while I danced and praised with the crowd during his triumphal entry at Jerusalem; how I took a few puffs of my inhaler after a trembling and cringing moment during the turning and throwing of tables at the temple; how I, in the most passive moments, gazed and empathized with so much pity on the very human Jesus as he cried and trembled in weakening feet during the “pamilin-bilin” moments; how he showed a weary, bloody, and dirty face and body as he went through the wild roads to the mount; how he cried in deep pain when the soldier hit even more forcefully the hammer as I shouted and pleaded for a stop; how I saw the last tiny smile and stream of tears after I emotionally and whole-heartedly kissed his badly-bruised toe; how I rushed after a moving dinner to be with him on the last few seconds of his life! Just when our friendship became so intimate and “at-home”…he died. Just when I appreciated and gave-in with love to the Father’s will through a deepening eagerness to pray despite a tight daily schedule…he died. That was the emptiest heart I ever felt! No one would chat with me on bedtimes anymore; greet “Good morning!”; no one to ask, “Saan na naman tayo ngayon Lord?!” eagerly anymore. He let me feel through his grace; the grace I asked for the whole retreat, how to feel and use the heart, over the typical Jun who used to rationalize things. If only I said “Yes!” to the companionship he offered before, “Simba ta Jun!”. And when he, already coughing blood on the cross, uttered the words, “Friends na tayo Jun ha…” during a particular repetition of his death, my sinful state just uttered helplessly, “Lord..it’s already too late…you are dying…” No one already answered when I looked up at the lifeless corpse, and when I regretfully struck a few times the stone door, “ Amigo na ta Lord! Amigo na ta!” Just imagine, he experienced all those unimaginable things for men to do; did the initiative to really call me to his friendship through that way! – for me! Just because of that “Busy ko!” Who was I?! That even during such passions, the other sway of the swing surfaced again. The “master” in me reacted, “Lord, why do you do that? That only for servants!” when he washed my feet; the “liberty to choose comfort” in me just ‘slept’ and didn’t even shed a tear during his agony in the garden; the “di-palulupig” in me cried out, “Retaliate Lord!” when he was slapped and beaten by the priests and people; the “flesh over spirit” in me made me thought he would not strive to lift his body and rise after a heavy scourging and cross. BUT HE DIDN’T!” This time, he made me realize what real servant hood was and is all about; what sacrificing the comfort of one’s own will to the Father’s was and is all about; what non-violence was and is all about; what faithfulness until the end through holding on to the Spirit even though the flesh is weak.
Then, on that particular dawn, indeed, evil never and will never prevail! How graced I was to really witness with all my senses, my whole being, when he revealed with Mary and me, and showed the signature smile and embrace of the human and glorified divine Jesus; how I joked in the at-homeness of my heart to Jesus, “Nakakabaliw ka na man Lord pag nagco-console ka!” when I was able to relate my resurrection experience with mother, Magdalene, my Emmaus buddy, and with the disciples! And now, just as how the disciples’ face became so unstoppable and powerful after the assurance of his presence “to the end of the age”, my heart, too, was so fueled with burning passion and eagerness to “love his sheep”. And this love was no longer an ordinary 4-letter word, but a reminiscing and savoring of the friendship so that I may be able to experience them with others, the unworthy and not just mere words.
And in the “coliseum” with the choir of angels and innumerable saints around the Triune God, I finally fell down on my knees and stretched out my hands! Invigorated and “handa nang sumabak”, I don’t have to boast and exhibit! For though they give me a pleasing face to people, now I realized, it didn’t and won’t last. For behind such compensations of pride, boastfulness, honor, riches – I still ended up empty, cold, and naked, in self-pity and low esteem. The “world” does not know how I helplessly prayed for strength and courage since I could not do such things all by myself; that I am nothing before God; and cannot do things without Him. And what made it more tempting yet challenging when the “world” knew and taunted me, “Ah, talawan man diay gihapon ka Jun! Sangpit man diay gihapon ka’g Ginoo! Pila ra man unta toy pagpasikat, ikaw pay mabulahan!”
It doesn’t matter now, for it is this God who, in my coldness and nakedness, has clothed me with worth and love that never and will never end! Thus it’s time to let go and let God use and will them! So, Lord, LOVE and GRACE – is more than enough Lord, please grant them to me, ‘yan lang Lord” Love and grace summarized in your presence of friendship with me. Your presence lang Lord, you as in you lang, then I would never feel empty even when I get poor and suffer. When I was with you, even before you were born, with your parents – I was poor. When we went out to the ministry, I didn’t bring any thing – but I was happy, so happy and secured and warm whenever you are with me. Use my liberty, my memory, my understanding, my will! Bahala na magkasugat-sugat ‘tong mga daliri ko sa paggi-gitara, lahat ng ito ay para sa ‘yo! Your presence lang Lord, enough for me; so that I may use all that I have and act according to the purpose you wished me to do. Use all I have Lord – even my very life as avenues, as instruments to make you present in my being and action. As regards the Jun now, yes, still the same, but let me express the transformation through this song, “Because of You my life has and will change, thank you for the love and joy/grace you bring…I feel no shame, I’ll tell the world (through pondering and actions, not boasting) it’s because of You!” And in connection with his final “pamilin-bilin”, “Jun, ‘wag mo kalimutan pagsasamahan natin ha!” Yes, Lord, I will be your priest; I will LOVE your sheep! Gatungan mo puso kong nagliliyab!
How Jun? Continuing the faithfulness and generosity to PRAYER and my friends in the Lord – they are renewal of license, my constant firewood, SUGNOD. And as Fr. Arrupe expressed, “It will decide everything”; shared with my flaming heart’s words, “…and everything follows”.
With that, Oh lord, see how rich I and Your Church will become! Praise God! All these things are for You dear Friend and Lord! THANK YOU VERY MUCH!


LEONILO A. DAGPIN, JR.
December 10. 2008