I simply just want to go home! Why torment myself?! Why do I have to open up and tackle even the tiniest details of my life?! It’s just like pulling tiny strands of coconut wood hurting underneath my skin (or salugsug) – it’s painful! Why do I have to be disturbed and choked by my inadequacies and hang-ups?! Why do I have to hear and could not avoid the terms, “authority hang-ups”, “delayed adolescent reactions”, “sexual maturity”, “emotional immaturity”, etc.! We don’t tackle these things at home, yet I’m simply happy and seemingly at peace with who I am and with what I have way back home. I didn’t do such level of deepening during my Ministry Year and yet the year-long experience was generally a great fulfillment and joyful success. Aren’t those experiences good enough for me to continue my seminary formation without excavating the buried issues?! The thrill and excitement was set to be chatted with zest, ready to be shared and boasted with friends…only to be stammered by a reality I could and should not escape. And here I am now, inside this chapel but with a gloomy face and striking my chest; still experiencing the first few weeks of June, already imagining a scenario wherein I confess to my director, parents and classmates that I could not endure the remaining months of the GY program, and I simply just wanted to go home!
This was the cry and lamentation of a man who was still startled, shocked and caught by surprise. THE GLASS WAS HALF-EMPTY. I felt so isolated that time. That was when series of experiences, though how petty some of them were, triggered and “added insult to injury”. And by that time, I really needed a listening ear for it’s about to burst into depression. And thanks be to God… for during the sharing period ears were lent, during the IC an ear was lent, during prayer the greatest Ear was generously and graciously lent. For it was through them that I, in turn, heard a Voice which said, “For now, I could not answer you with a yes, but with what is best...Yes, you already have the characteristics of a good servant-leader, but so much more do I need you to become an integrated, full-packed servant-leader. That’s the best for you.” A short and simple answer yet a deep one; the GY formation is indeed a gift to be savored and treasured. I should have thought that this year is a privilege, an opportunity or even a once-in-a-lifetime event that other seminaries could not offer; hence, I should never miss this chance to grow wholly and be holy. Yes, it’s painful and tedious to “remove the tiny thorns of a makahiya plant stuck on my skin” but I have to in order for me to be healed. And within me, over me, under me, before me I pray for His grace.
Yes, I’m not that masterful in playing basketball and their taunts and jeers make me feel so rejected and isolated; my imminent baldness despite my very young age which crushes my self-esteem and I could not face people and offer undivided service; the torments of delayed adolescent reactions in dealing with sexual maturity that leads to egoistic gratification; the lure of entitlements and conveniences which effected from a poor authority hang-up; the immaturities and insensitivities to the greater needs other than my self; and the deprivations that was brought about by my family – who could not have wanted to go home, wear a mask and suppress all these things. I really have so many details to expand regarding this matter. Tackling my half-empty glasses would probably cover a 10-page paper.
But what makes me kicking in excitement and enthusiasm right now is this new found flaming GRACE within me in dealing with my half-empty glasses. I don’t have to elaborate all my hang-ups in paper; the Ear and the “ears” have already heard and listened to them in utmost sincerity. For now, I sense promise and hope! NOW, I SEE A HALF-FULL GLASS! Thanks to the EARS and TONGUES, they led me to see such amazing GRACE! How could I not be so enthusiastic and passionate to share with you the value and wisdom that I experience on FOCUSING and PRESENCE! It started on the session and sharing period, and was followed up by a ground in prayer, and culminated during the IC. And the 1 holy-hour experience last July 11 was the greatest manifestation of such grace; and this I tell you in honesty and sincerity. It was a brimming prayer experience! And my journal could testify to that! During that Spirit-filled night, when the broken pieces of my life seemed to gather together and form a massive force to attack me, I was able to say, “Hey, you’re too many, but I tell you, you’re just an integral part of the greater me!” Yes, this may sound authoritative though consoling, but as I drew deeper and deeper into the calmness and compassion of my heart that night, the struggle in facing the massive force surprisingly led me to a scenario: I wondered why I’m here at home, in our old house in Iligan. It was so quiet; I thought I was the only one there. But as I looked in front of me, I saw a little child sitting on our white sofa with his head bent down in utter sadness. And as I drew near to him, I realized, I recognized…wait…it was ME!... the little Jun who was deprived of many things! Pity came across my heart, but I did not cry and I don’t have to, for then I felt 2 forces wanting my attention, needing my ears…I don’t have to choose. I have to listen to both of them. Yet, that sad little Jun needs preferential care that time. So I sat beside him. He’s as sad as he recalled the experiences that made the bigger, now-present Jun to be in a very low-esteem regarding many things. He narrated…I then consoled him…(see journal for the 3-page listening and conversation). You know what, after I gave the little Jun the assurance, I embraced him, he smiled, and I smiled too! I thank the Lord immediately! Then, another scenario flashed, and this time, a very familiar young adult, seemingly of the same age as mine, also bending his head down as he sat isolated and alone. Then I realized it was me again, but this time, already the grown-up Jun. So I sat beside him and in utter compassion and attentiveness listened to him as he poured out his emotions…we talked…he smiled…there was hope in his face. Then, I prayed to the Lord, that I may now set my feet to the ground, because I’m not yet that firmly grounded, I’m still floating, just so functional, help me grow deeper and deeper in Your love Lord! The Lord was there, as with Mama Mary, and their smiles gave me an assurance. Thank you!
From then on, I felt so comfortable, relaxed, contented, and so happy after the Holy Hour, what a prayer period Lord! So light was my feeling that time! So inspired! I felt assured, promised, full of life! I believe that more issues will soon be disclosed and treated this year, but with the grace of FOCUSING and PRESENCE, there’s already a clear and bright hope in every challenge.
See! How great is the Lord! Through His grace, He led me there… to a gift beyond myself…so transcendent…that without prayer I surely could not attain. Isn’t it worthy to be savored and nurtured!? Now, I see and I thank God, that during the month of June, I saw a glass HALF-EMPTY. Now, I’m still on July, but I already saw a glass HALF-FULL! Isn’t it so promising and hopeful?
LEONILO A. DAGPIN, JR.
July 14, 2008
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