PIGGY BANK

I may have “conquered the outer space, but not the inner space”, as George Carlin says. I may have “been to paradise but I’ve never been to me”, as a song says. Yes, as I experienced many things from the past apostolates until the recent Ministry Year I believe I already have what it takes to be a minister of the Shepherd. I already have “crumbs” of awesome characteristics and “foretastes” of shepherding experiences; be it in organizing groups in the parish, actively participating in BEC with the youth and families, immersing and accompanying Church movements and covenant communities, contributing through writing in the social action, nurturing a lifestyle of detachment and simplicity, striving to value healthy relationships, setting aside superiority and nourishing compassion and being-for and with. But, in the midst of such “paradise”, I sensed something great is still lacking within me, and Jesus reminded me, “…so much more to I need you to become an integrated, full-packed servant leader…” Then, I realized: I’ve gone too far already yet I missed some fundamentals…I have to go back to the basics…to the “me”, to my “inner space”. And that emptiness lurking within me led me to an image of a PIGGY BANK.
What one would immediately see is a smiling, fat, bulky, shiny, colorful pig. But deep inside lies a roughness of surface in a hollow and dark space. I’ve been trying my best to portray to people a “monumental”, “shining”, functional image of a seminarian. I talk with a gift; show strategy, creativity and art in writing and teaching; plays harmoniously in music; and healthy with students and different peoples. I taught my students how to pray, but I didn’t even devote quality time manifesting the most fundamental way of teaching people how to pray – by praying.
And this other experience was just what I recently noticed and pondered upon. I never uttered (and could not utter) bad foul words when I had my MY. I showed smiles, and portrayed a good, “kuya” image to them. In short, I maintained a smooth and harmonious relationship with different peoples during my MY. But during our music practice last week, I got annoyed and uttered a violent threat of words to one of my fellows. Then, as I recalled the event later on, the smooth and harmonious turning of my world stopped within me, I was then full of questions, confusions, and regrets. “Why do I easily get annoyed when I deal with my batch mates?”
I too, together with my fellows, sometimes laugh at situations of some priest – nun or parish priest – assistant feuds on many parishes we know. But as I reflected upon it, that was the basic thing many priests tend to miss and look into. I too laugh about it, not recognizing that I, still a seminarian, was already manifesting such kind of a future-attitude towards my fellow seminarians. Realizing the danger (if not resolved), I could not help but get struck and moved to focus myself on what the PCP II says about priests as “agents…working side by side with other agents”. Many priests are going too far to be smooth with the people, yet they forget one basic thing: To be comfortable working and collaborating with their fellow priests, and other agents such as the nuns. And this is also one of the issues I am going to face and work out while I am still in formation. Simply because it’s quite difficult. How could we not create such tension when in fact we’ve been together in formation since the beginning and so we know each other’s ups and downs more than the people (for whom and with whom we serve) do?! With that, many seminarians who have younger sisters easily get irritated when their fellow seminarians joke about courting the former’s pretty siblings. Simply because they know their fellows in a deeper sense of their attitudes. And since I know their limitations, it would then be annoying and superficial to see my fellows deal so sweetly with other people. It’s as if I want to inform and warn these people that, “Hey, don’t believe in him, I know that man, I know his dark secrets!” and to my fellows, “Hey, don’t be superficial, I know you!” Obviously, in the end, the blame’s still put on me. I’ve gone too far but I failed to see the “dark, rough, hidden” hang-up within…the other side of the gleaming piggy bank. For what will be its consequence? Terribly dangerous! This kind of attitude show and will lead me to pride and unhealthy competition in showing talents and abilities, and in gaining and winning the hearts of parishioners. There would then be no unity; so the tension between parish priests and their assistants emerges. Why do I portray such things? Why do priests struggle on this one? Because I simply and basically fail to recognize the goodness each agent has. I fail to acknowledge the competence of the diverse gifts each seminarian has. I should have thanked the Lord for their individual and unique gifts. I should have seen, as St. Paul sees, each gift as a piece of puzzle. How lovely a parish will be if priests unite each unique “puzzle piece” of gifts in order to form a whole solid body of pastoral competency. And this challenge invites me now while I’m still in formation. Thanks be to God, thanks to the formation I’m into right now. With constant praying and striving, I’m hopeful. I believe this will be one of the COINS that will fill the hollowness of my piggy bank.
Yes, one of the precious coins. Because alongside with it, are the coins of God’s GRACE; the coins of the academic, spiritual, human, and pastoral formation offered to me; the coins of my active participation and response; the coins of prayers, emotional, financial support of family, friends, and benefactors. These coins will hopefully fill the void within my piggy bank – an image of a priest fully-packed inside-out…shining outside, filled inside! How whole will I hopefully be!
And yes, I mentioned during our sharing period about the image of a diamond, that when one gazes upon it; he will not only see a bare shape of diamond, but will see a “light other than its bare body”. That’s what pastoral service is, and thus should not be equated with work, for it goes beyond work. And when we get tired and drained, we can call to a Man greater than any other man. For from Him originates the essence of pastoral service, an image, rays of light other than the plain W, O, R, K of work itself. With God working within me, I say: That’s what I am to the people. As I experienced it, people could really see a light other than my body. It’s so heartwarming to know how my cancer-struck aunt was so persistent and excited to see me and trust me as I prayed over her. It’s so blessed and graced to hear living transformations in the hearts of students, from their letters and recent text messages, during my MY, when in fact I barely advised them in words but just showed my true self to them through my actions. And this fact led me to a mystery. For I could not see in myself the weight and level of such “diamond rays” they see in me. I know myself. I have my inadequacies. I don’t even feel the worth of a servant leader. I just couldn’t fathom how deep the Lord’s mysterious love working within me. God makes this light possible to shine beyond my body, for He himself is the Light; He’s really within me. Thanks be to God! And that’s what people see in a priest: Colorful, brilliant rays of light from a diamond. The people would not see the emptiness, but the COINS within; the COINS BEYOND A BARE PIGGY BANK! People see a “treasure” in me; the “coins” and the Coin within me!
And this struck me the most. For when I go beyond the bare image of a piggy bank, when I already go back and nurture the seemingly-forgotten basics…the “me” and fill the “inner space” with the coins and the Coin; and when I soon become a fully-packed, heavy, solid inside-out “piggy bank” of a servant leader – then my “piggy bank” will soon be broken into pieces. Yes, it entails pain and sacrifice, but I have to be broken in order to satisfy and gladden the hearts of the ONES who gradually, prayerfully, and constantly put in the “coins” – God, family, friends, batch mates, diocese, seminary and especially the Church. How symbolic the pains and sacrifice entailed in the priesthood TO the very holy life and actions Jesus Himself did on His cross and resurrection. Yes, despite the pain, I am and still challenged to continue in this formation the searching to the basics, the striving to be open and be formed in all my woundedness and deepest pains, the will to actively participate and do my part the best that I can, the nourishment and deepening of my prayer, the zest and enthusiasm of service to others…
How happy and blessed will the Church be to savor the precious COINS they put into my PIGGY BANK! I see promise and hope…


LEONILO A. DAGPIN, JR.
JULY 18, 2008