DEAL OR NO DEAL

When I’m in pain, when I’m angry, when I fear – GUILT takes its prominent place on me. I imagine myself being in the middle of a tension of a game show wherein the host and the crowd wait demandingly and have finished asking me, “Deal or No Deal?!”, “Pera o Bayong?!”, “Laban o Bawi?!” Within that quick span of time, there is pressure, coercion, insistence; torn between two seemingly same-weighted options. And the answer I will utter will determine what I will be in the next days. Once uttered and decided, it will never be got back again…no return, no exchange.
Yes, that’s where I will be when I feel guilty. It’s as if the world stops in a deafening silence for a moment, waiting for me to decide whether to ‘throw the stone against an enemy or just humbly throw it away’. But this time, it is and it’ll no longer be a game show, for there will be no more time pressure, no coercion. In dealing with guilt now (after a worthwhile series of sessions in the past 2 weeks), a decision is made after a tedious and deepening solitude of prayer, reflection and discernment are undergone in the process…not an overnight thing, not a “seconds to play” game. The silence spent will no longer be with an excited crowd, but with a listening and excited God. And unlike a game show, there’s no such terms as “no return, no exchange”, for an action done especially those hurting ones, will never be the end of everything, will not determine and judge what I will be in the future; for I can still go deeper and compensate: “I can still return and change!”
However, the “game show” image doesn’t simply end like that. For in a world of two tensions and forces, the “stone” will not just be a stepping stone, it will also be a stumbling block! One can still decide in a “game show” atmosphere. I had and will surely experience more of it if I let myself be weakened. It’s really a roaring and ready-to-devour lion that persistently lurks within. That makes the tension of decision-making in GUILT so intense and fragile; one can’t simply avoid it:
My need to be accepted and validated when I presented to authority figures in our diocese my article about mining (after having spent sleepless nights in the making; indeed, a masterpiece!) wasn’t recognized and acknowledged. It just went to the bookshelves; my extraordinary masterpiece just went to ordinary piles of files. They weren’t able to read and acknowledge the art of poetry I expressed upon, the creativity I applied. Wasn’t that worth discouraging!? Then, here came the question, “Deal or No Deal?!” What does each option mean? This time, with a new sense of meaning. I should have shouted “No Deal!”: I should have given up, I should have lost hope, I should have stopped writing masterpieces and be contented with just-for-requirement works. But as I see it now, I’m thankful to God I’ve done the “Deal!” part: I believed I dealt with it, I let go of it. Though I could not remember any instance of a crying letting-go, I believe I had been into that or into related letting-go actions. For now, I could still sense my burning passion and zest to write masterpieces. No matter they read it or not, affirm it or not; I will still continue writing masterpieces, for I believe and hope that they will be…in the future. God Himself never fails to recognize. Could this be a “letting go”? I highly believe so.
An adolescent need to flow with the fashion was suppressed. During school gatherings (high school), I would just be wearing my school uniform except for the t-shirt of course, instead of “maong” pants and in-style shoes. For whenever I ask money from our parents, they would most of the time present to me the theme “saving and not wasting money”. I became so passive; I just got used to or got contented to wearing such out-of-style attire. I just depend on what they give and offer. That’s why, even until now, aside from the fact that my attire is still as simple as before, I still feel awkward to ask money from them. And even now, I still would feel so uneasy and indirect to name the amount of money I need due to fear that the demand would be too large for them and consequently would not approve. It is indeed a childhood hang-up. Then again, came the question, “Deal or No Deal?!” Yes, until now, I still need money here in the seminary; and I still have to ask from them. And this time, our family’s financial status has alleviated a little (though still struggling) compared before. I should have shouted “No Deal!”: I should have been so aggressive in asking money from them; I should have been so aggressive in compensating what I lack before; I should have been gathering numerous benefactors to fill up my past hang-ups! Or, I still should have been so passive and “saintly” martyr; just waiting for them to give whatever amount they wish to give (even though I badly needed a large amount). But as I experience things now, thanks be to God, through these things, I grow. I am assertive in a great sense of things! I believe I’d undergone a letting-go experience. It doesn’t matter if I don’t have a new pair of shoes, pair of new clothes and jeans. I don’t need them for fashion’s sake. I don’t even get that much affected over others’ fashion and gadgets. I’m contented with what I have now, simple yet decent. I don’t aggressively demand such things from them. Rather, I understand them. I really have to save. And this time, these “contented”, “understand”, and “save” themes (as with before) no longer suppress my adolescent needs and hang-ups. When they offer some things, I would even let them know that the help be diverted to our youngest brother (who, in his very young growing years, weren’t able to receive the level of treatment and pampering we had before due to the present family work condition). With that, it’s true, that being assertive made me compassionate to myself and others. As regards my growing financial need in the seminary, yes, I still ask money from them, but in an assertive way. And this time, I really ask for what I want; I name amounts, clear about it, but in a subtle, trusting, respectful and responsible manner; without having them pressured.
I admit, that even until now, the virus “coward” part of me still lurks within. It’s really not an overnight, one-session-sharing thing to boost and uplift the greater “courage” part with regard to my involvement in sports. Whenever Tuesday or Thursday afternoons come, the “low image” still creeps on my whole system. And then, comes the question, “Deal or No Deal?!”…”Laban o Bawi?!” The game show time-pressure theme immediately instructs me to do diversions, wash clothes, clean the room, pretend to be sleeping, pretend to be sick, go out to the city…In short, let my batch mates know that I can’t do it to the court since I’m “busy”. But now, I’m thankful to God…I could already listen and talk to my deprived, low-esteemed little Junjun…unlike before. Yes, my heart still pumps anxiety, fear and worries, but not now, there are already developments and signs of growth…my little Junjun will no longer be left behind. Deep in my heart, I would just whisper to him, tap his shoulder, “Yes, I understand…don’t be afraid, kaya nato ni with God’s Grace…” Laban? Deal!
“Labay ning gitara ‘ron!” This was the phrase that could have changed everything; the phrase that inflicted in me the greatest regret and guilt so far last week in the GY. I thought my batch mate already knew that he was the one I was referring to when I uttered the phrase during our music practice. I thought he had already accepted his mistake since he joked around with me using the phrase. Marami nga’ng namamatay sa maling akala, or simply unreflected rush, impolite, immature approach. For the fact is that, for him, it was my other classmates who must deserve the blame, not him. So, in my part, I didn’t hesitate to mention his name in the midst of my batch mates during the sharing period. Consequently, my overconfidence and egoism turned into gloom when I realized he was badly hurt about my approach. I was just staring blank during the Consciousness Examen; I was so silent during lunch time (my table mates noticed it); I couldn’t sleep during siesta… I could empathize the uneasiness felt by a contestant posed with a 1 million question…it was, indeed, the peak of my GUILT! I should have approached, talked, and made it clear with him personally before I uttered his name on public. What regret! What must I do? Then, I pondered. “Deal or No Deal?!” here it goes again. Stepping stone or stumbling block? And yes, unlike the “no return, no exchange” answers of a game show, my mistake didn’t signal the end of the world, my previous NO can still be changed into a “YES!” I can still compensate in the name of brotherly love, peace, and justice. Thanks be to God! He guided me to a ‘stepping stone’! I wasn’t able to sleep that siesta until I approached him and asked forgiveness personally. Yes, it was quite too late already, BUT it will never be the end. For during the next sharing period, I sincerely asked forgiveness from my brothers, for though I sinned against one, I sinned against God and community. And their attentiveness and readiness to listen, as well as, their acceptance that time shed all the guilt away. I was so happy at that moment; my heart was so light and grateful to God. I was so Spirit-filled that time!
Guilt is indeed the determining and crucial factor in growing up to decide what one must do with the ‘stones’ of fear and anger; to use them as ‘stumbling blocks’ of self-ill, passivity, cowardice and aggressiveness; OR as a ‘stepping stones’ of courage, assertiveness, and maturity. And in the end, there will be no “once-sold, no-return” themes, for it all gear towards a “money back guarantee” – forgiveness-justice-peace-love-reconciliation guarantee. Growth in human Christian maturity never stops with a (.), but with a (…) It goes beyond…it transcends…DEAL!

LEONILO A. DAGPIN, JR.
August 7, 2008