First of all, during the retreat, especially on the 1st day, I was noisy…inside and out. Despite the struggle for stillness, I couldn’t help but converse with my fellows. Well, a year-full of rich and unforgettable experiences at Cabanglasan was worth the conversation. Or probably the adjustment in shifting from a year-long exposure outside into a 4-day silence was difficult. But as I prayed, yes I asked the grace of inner silence and stillness, I realized that the noise was not just an ordinary noise; it had something to do with a deeper struggle within, and thus would probably affect my disposition in the retreat and even as a Galileean. Truly, it was affirmed on the last day when I reviewed my retreat having reflected upon all the points for reflection and prayer.
My Day 2 experience with the Lord was full of smiles and excitement as I recalled and shared with Him all the significant experiences that happened during my Ministry year. I had so many things to say and express to Him. I was even able to fill up 10 ½ pages of memories, reflection and prayer in my journal notebook about Day 1 itself. Each experience had its lesson. Among such rich experiences were: Firstly, being with the Jesuits. For me, it was an honor and privilege to be with the 3 great personalities: Tatay Mat, Fr. Buboy, and Bro. Bong; and I really learned a lot from them. Another experience was my 40-minute walk a day with God, nature, and students that keeps fear, stress, loneliness and exhaustion away (These 2 significant experiences was narrated in detail during the sharing). And lastly, (though I still have so many things to share) being one of the highlights among the significant experiences was my relationship with the students and teachers at school, as well as, with the small kids in the parish. As regards relationship, they are just my brothers and sisters, very special to me. At school, though I was tasked to handle the office of Asst. Prefect of Discipline and CAT Command, the seminarian “kuya” image still dominated. At first, there was a pressure since these tasks contradicts my personality. So, praying and reflecting upon the situation, I realized that I could not do any “masking” but to really be my very self; and so I integrated a calm, prudent, good natured and a smiling “kuya” to such offices. And thanks be to God! It was so effective! As regards my students, I didn’t scold them the way some teachers do in terror. The teachers had been scolding them since the very start of the period in the morning. Why should I? Instead, I joined them, well, if that’s the way I could enter into their world, then why not! Except drugs and vices of course; but through their likes: music. During break times, I just stayed with them, play the guitar, sang songs, joked around, shared stories, listened…I should rather understand them. They have different backgrounds. Besides, I just couldn’t help myself; the goodness, this gift of smile, the tenderness that’s unique in me still dominated. At first, I was shocked. I even failed some boys on my Values class. They were just so badly behaved. But that was 1st Grading. Later on, the rest of the school year was a greater miracle. The misbehaved ones became my close friends; they can freely talk and share their stories with me. From them, I learned the values of understanding, especially PATIENCE! Without such misbehaviors, I could never appreciate patience; it was a grace under pressure, a blessing in disguise! With the kids in the parish, my gift of music was nourished…my patience too. Never in my life did I form a choir…and imagine what God had formed – children! Thanks be to God!
Like the 12 apostles, I too was sent to a mission, to a mission I could never, ever forget in my whole life…everything had a purpose! God put me to Cabanglasan for a special reason – to grow! Yes, I almost got hospitalized…I was so sick…I abused my body. But with all those significant experiences…it’s all worth the exhaustion! Now, Jesus invites me in this Galilee Year, so I really have to rest a while…
With Day 1, Day 2 even more led me to tackle my deeper noise. Just shortly after I sit on a chair inside the chapel, a scenario came into my mind; it just flashed: As soon as I entered the gates of FLMS and walked in the covered pathway, even if I wore a cap and bowed my head so as not to be recognized, the students immediately recognized me and they met me very, very happy, shouting… that made the rest of the students in the classrooms notice; they too rushed in excitement to meet me. That scenario resembled my first visit to the school after my Ministry Year.
What could such scenario mean? Why did the Lord show me such image? Will that be the same scenario when I go back to the school to visit? I truly believe God imparted that scenario into my mind, in order to impart an important message for me to ponder. I think God says, “Based on what you’ve done to the community at school and parish, that scenario will exactly be the thing that will happen when you go back to Cabanglasan”. But, what have I done? As regards contribution, I had not done great building projects such as walls, fences, etc. Yes, I was troubled about that at first. For what I did was to strum the guitar and practice them songs, teach my subjects, be with them on conversations; they were simply ordinary. But later on, God made me realize through that scenario the most important contribution I made: BEING MYSELF, giving myself, presence, time, sharing my gifts and smiles to them. God said, “Jun, that was enough, it can already leave footprints in their hearts”. Even the “notorious” among students, respected and would talk to me politely. They were sad when I left. I knew that there’s only a very thin line between humility and boasting. But, this time, this boasting is not that human. Allow me to boast all of these things in, to, and for God. That’s why I told my students, youth and kids before I left, “You may forget Bro. Jun and the other seminarians and JVPs that were and will be assigned here. But please, whatever you do, wherever you go, do not forget the One who is hanging on that cross. I am just an instrument of that Man, Jesus.” And I really thank Him for making me such an instrument; may I always be humble, I pray.
Now, let me go to the deeper noise. Something has been troubling me since the start of the GY, even before. And as what I’ve mentioned earlier, it had something to do with my retreat, and I really thank God for it surfaced this early. This noise really resonated with my desire for this GY. I hope and pray that I will be helped. What makes me worry right now is my hair; my head is getting balder at this early age of 24. I am ashamed to face people especially those old friends. That’s why I always wear a cap whenever I go to the city. My self-esteem is very, very low. I could not join conversations because I’m afraid that they will tease me with my hair loss. I even asked God to give me back the glory of my hair. Later I realized, that’s not the prayer I should say. Rather, “Lord, help me that I may regain my esteem despite my hair loss – that I may accept this in due time”. God, made me feel not to worry. That scenario I experienced is the answer. Yes, truly Lord, as what I’ve observed, the students at school were aware of my baldness, yet they do not give much attention to that; simply because it’s the goodness within that they value the most.
This is really a great test of patience, perseverance, and self-regard for me. Though, I believe that in due time I will soon accept, grow and transcend. To really value the necessary within and not on outward appearances. To still be the “me” that God intended me to be no matter what happens in the years to come. And these are my deep yearnings. I believe that the Lord invites me through this test to be focused as I move deeply into the GY.
Now I know that if I’ll go back to Cabanglasan, God assures, and I know and I believe that they will be very happy to welcome me again…to see me again. Thank you Lord for letting me be aware and remember that this goodness you gave me, that is within me, that I showed to the whole parish and school, that released the smile in my face, that makes me so compassionate and calm, despite my sinfulness and unworthiness – should always be remembered and cherished! In this way, my worries could not overtake such significant virtue within me.
God made me realize now, through the scenario, that I don’t have to be everything in order for people to love me. I just have to be myself! And everything follows.
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