YOU MINE WHAT IS MINE

“Kon langit ang atong kab-oton, nganong yuta man ang atong kutkuton?” (Leofe Calongo, 9 years old)
(“If we aim for heaven, why do we dig the earth?”)

The CBCP Monitor called my attention one day;
“Bishop Sued for Libel after Exposing Mining Anomalies”
Reading closely…Oh! OUR bishop, a priest, and lay advocates in our diocese
grabbed the headline…on the very front page!

Wow, real advocates of the cultural and environmental concerns,
I salute them!
Could this be the reason, then, why I CHOSE to write an article about mining?
Well, why not? After all, the advocates and the concerned ones belong to my diocese, so how could I not…
Yet, there’s a deeper reason…

But the fact that I don’t have a firm background on mining and its laws;
And the fact that I don’t have any concrete contact with the Subanons and their affected place;
How, then, could I write a reliable and experienced-based article?

What basically moved me, then?
I believe it lies on the essential commonalities that we share;
From that, flow the other reasons:
Such great values such as love, compassion, empathy…

The basic truth lies on our being humans: I, too, cry as they do.
I was not there but I, too, have been living in a home securely planted on earth and water.
I was not there, but I, too, am embraced warmly by my culture and enjoy my rights.
How, then, could you not feel cold and empty when someone strip you naked?
Their stories are my own stories too!

Ok, let’s start in the courting process;
A process wherein mining companies and miting de avance commonly share:
Benefits like employment, education, healthcare and community projects;
Well, nice start ah!

But, imagine how terrible will it be when the sweetness gradually gets lost from a sugar-coated bitter root:
Behind employment is the rigid selection and arrival of commercial mining
which continuously reduces the number of manpower;
Low paid jobs go along with long laborious hours, with less or no benefits at all;
And let’s not forget the great danger of accidents, illnesses and disasters…whew!

Behind projects lay smuggling, seizures of lands, and deforestation in the construction of infrastructures;
Developments of businesses even lead to vices, gambling, drunkenness, and prostitution.
Degradation of cultural values…then, where is education?

And the most visible long-term regrettable impact points to the health and environmental corruption:
Removal of vast amounts of earth clears forests and farms; destructs clean water source system;
Improper acidic waste disposal leads to the pollution and eventual death of aqua-food farms and clean air.
In a country wherein livelihood depends mostly on agri- and aquaculture,
the serious environmental destruction coupled with the risk of health problems,
disastrously lead to a gradual decrease of earning money – their traditional economy.
“How, then, can we be able to cope with our children’s education?!”

And, didn’t we talk about ‘seizures of lands’ a while ago?
The Subanons, who occupied the land for centuries, are now the ones struggling to get their domain back.
Big-scale mining operations have aggressively trespassed their ancestral realm!
A tiny, abundant vegetable farm bulldozed into a raw and naked earth…an open pit mining;
Dislocated and relocated…but into houses like squeezed and constricted chicken dens.
Now, compare it to officials’ concrete houses…guess who’s got the gold?

Then comes ‘persecution’ (highlighting the experience of the Subanons in their place in our diocese):
Injury after injury, tortures and bruises after demolition of houses…
No court orders, thus, trespassers!
From threats to gunshots; food blockades and confiscations TO spikes on footpaths in forests;
Armed forces and militarization OVER the peace-loving Subanons
Then Jesus said, “Have you come out with swords and clubs to arrest me as though I were a bandit?” (Mt.26:55)

In such danger of land-loss, the Certificate of Ancestral Domain Title (CADT) was granted to them.
Hence, the right to manage their own forests…the land as their own, for them, “a chance to heal…”
In our folks’ demands for the recognition of their cultural rights,
emerged the 1997 Indigenous Peoples’ Rights Act (IPRA) saying that,
Before “exploration and extraction…the whole community must be informed and
agree to the decision…otherwise…a project cannot proceed.”

But what made such companies so aggressive, exploitative and confident in continuing mining operations despite petitions?
Well, how could any foreign company be not attracted to the benefits of the 1995 Mining Act of RA 7942:
100% ownership, 81,000 hectare claim over an area for 50 years; 10-year tax holidays, etc., whew!
So, going back, despite Subanon’s rights, agencies of the Philippine government still support the mining companies more than the locality…Ehem!
Inquirer article says, “Palace: No to Mining Ban”. Ahh, that’s why!

Oh, so heavy for our brothers and sisters to carry…
With that, some of them lost hope.
Pressures and poverty led them to sell their lands or get employed in the company.
Even clearly bitter is the tactic of dividing the tribal folks by making fight and argue against each other.
BUT, DESPITE THAT, THERE ARE STILL MANY WHO CONTINUE TO HOLD ON TO THE FIGHT!

And what is striking is that, the role of the Church makes a great impact in their lives…
DIOPIM (Dipolog, Ipil, Ozamiz, Pagadian, Iligan, and Marawi) Bishops and Clergy affixed their signatures
to maintain their stand, support the cause of the Subanons, and appeal for truth and justice.
For many poor people turn to them to express their grievances and seek relief from their distress
the mining activities have destructively inflicted on them.
In coming to their help, our advocates, in turn, faced a libel suit initiated by the Canadian mining firm, for such exposé.

Yet behind their backs come a firm stand and support from our bishops and clergy,
And I could not help but quote it!
“This situation is not far from the experiences of our fellow countrymen all over the country who are subjected
to different harassments just to silence them while advancing their aggressive, destructive, and exploitative
mining operations of transnational companies. We condemn the curtailment of freedom to express what we believe to be the TRUTH.”

“YOU MINE WHAT IS MINE!” a Subanon father and farmer cries, “they ‘owned’ my land!”
“YOU MINE…the last of our land; my agriculture, hunting and fishing livelihood; my sacred and safe place and ancestral settlement!”
“YOU MINE the security and future of my children! YOU MINE my traditional cultural customs and human rights!”
“This place is prepared for us by GOD…He had given it to us to live on and to care for.
This is central to the meaning of our life and culture as Subanons.
It is difficult for a foreign mining company WHO ARE NOT PART OF THIS PLACE to understand this.”

“Kon langit ang atong kab-oton, nganong yuta man ang atong kutkuton?”
If you aim for glory and riches, why do you have to disturb our peaceful, secure and sacred life?

The children themselves cry, “Madame Gloria, please listen to our views!”
May the glory that we seek resonate with your name!
“Tangtanga una ang bulawan nga gibitay sa imong dalunggan, aron imong madunggan ug ikaw mobati sa panawagan sa kabataan.”
(Remove your golden earrings that you may hear and empathize with the pleadings of the young.)

“YOU MINE WHAT IS MINE!” is also my cry;
If worldly and materialistic “miners” dig and own the gold, nickel, and copper treasures of my soul.
If I don’t grasp and defend the promotion of truth, justice, and be bothered by the ecological threat,
my life will then become a barren, wasted, and polluted land.
And from it, will the souls of those who drink by my stream be in real threat and danger.

See how the Church becomes a warm bosom for those who are in the cold.
Then I see myself…my present life…my future ministry…what shall I do then?
I believe that the nourishment of truth must start from within me – be firmly grounded
in Christ as “The Way, The TRUTH, and The Life”.
From there then flows an advocacy…a firm conviction to stand for such truth and security
which people seek and rejoice in glory with me till the end.
Stand for the TRUTH…Care for the EARTH!

A child whispers in humble prayer:
Lord, intawn kami sud-onga ug pamati-a, mga kabataan kanimo nangaliya,
Pugngi ang hulga sa among kaugmaon, apan dili ang among pagbuot ang among tumanon, kon dili and imoha gihapon.
(Lord, please look upon us and hear us your children, we implore.
Suppress the threat to our future; yet it’s your will we desire, not our own.) AMEN.



leonilo a.dagpin, jr.
february 2006
year of social concerns


Meet my companions…the advocates:
Letter of Concern and Appeal by the DIOPIM Bishops addressed to Hon. Clare Short, British Parliament, UK
Letter of Concern by the DOPIM Bishops and Clergy
Breaking promises, making profits: Mining in the Philippines (A Christian Aid and PIPLinks report, 2004)
Newsletter DIBALUY, published by DIOPIM Committee on Mining Issues, June and November 2006
A cartoon/comic entitled, “Dinagkong Pagmina Kinsay Mabulahan?” by JPIC Columban-Mindanao and MASIPAG-Mindanao
“MINA, TVI OPERATION?” a poem by Leofe Calongo, 9 years old from Jose Dalman, Zamboanga del Norte

for a debutante

You’re a woman now Mary, not anymore the sipunin little girl your mama and papa used to know. And I know you have your million wishes now for your birthday. God may have set time for each of your wishes; He may grant them now and delay some for your future. But I believe that a simple “Thank you!” to the Lord for all that had been, for giving you another year of life and love, and for all that will be in the future – is more than enough, more than any wish you could ask for. Start with a simple “Thank you!” Mary. For from a simple yet heartfelt “Thank you!” to the Lord, I believe, every good thing follows.

And with that, I also thank the Lord for giving me not just the opportunity to be here in your party, but most of all, for giving me the privilege to know you and get close to you personally.

For your Mama and Papa: You know what Sir, Maam, your daughter is a very lovely and sweet friend. You never failed to raise her and made her into the real WOMAN you wished her to be.

Mary, you may not be that slim as you might wish you should have been. You may not be that perfect. But always remember, as the book entitled “The Little Prince” says, “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” For Jesus, you will always be His precious and favorite little sister. For me, you will always be the same sweet Mary I will always treasure (in my heart). Continue to smile; and never forget to pray. We love you Mary. Happy birthday young woman!

"KINSAYGALUTO ANI?!"

“KINSAY GALUTÔ ANI?!”
(“Who cooked this one?!”)

“Kini moy sabaw! Kinsay galutô ani?!”
(“This is the best soup! Who cooked this one?!”)

It all started when Fr. Manol uttered these lines during my birthday celebration last December. From that time on, this has been the language we used to make fun with every time the famous and all-time favorite seminarians’ menu halang-halang (very very hot and spicy native chicken meat in large volume of coconut soup) is served during coffee breaks and birthdays in our GY community.
Just exactly one month after the event, Ate Myrna, one of our “dieticians” (the other “dieticians” include Ate Venus, SJVTS Formators, Ate Eva, Ae Jopay, Retreat Directors, Tatay Mat, Fr. Nilo, Ate Inday, etc.) on the 3-month (and more) Transformative Pastoral Leadership Training Seminar (TPLTP), brought in a “kolon” (pot, palayok) with a hope and promise of a menu that will not just match the mouth-watering halang-halang but will even be more delicious and will even go beyond its usual and common flavor. With her was the distinguished “nutritionist” Archbishop Tony who provided all the “nutrients” (presence, hope, all-out support, resources, etc.) needed for a healthy “go, grow, glow” (integral) ministry. Inside the “kolon” were us, the Galileans on to a menu that will hopefully turn hungry stomachs heavy and full. Inside the “kolon”, they made us see how the first months of this formation year allowed the “meat” to be put to the painful yet worthwhile boiling water of the Psycho-Spiritual Integration (PSI), Hospital Ministry, and Family Dynamics Seminar in order to soften and cook the hard and raw “chunks of meat” in us. And through the 30-day Retreat, the Master Chef made us realize that every ingredient in us, even before we were born, was purposely, worthily and carefully picked from the choicest crops organically fertilized with His love and grace.
Then, the “meat” started to soften. It was time to open up the “taklob” (cover). However, it still lacked a lot of flavor. It needed the appropriate (pagpahaom) spices of prayer, people, and experiences in our urban and rural immersions in order to integrate (pagpatibuok) with the meat’s flavor so that those who would taste it will be able to share (pagpa-ambit) with others in the broad (pagpalapad) wide world that once in their lifetime, a taste of its soup penetrated deep (pagpalalom) into the core of their bones that will make them exclaim, “Kini moy sabaw! Dili parat!…Kini moy pari! Sakto’ng lider!” (“This is the best soup! It has the exact salt!...This is the best priest! He’s the exact leader!”)
“Asa man ni gilutô?” (“Where is this cooked?”) “Where else?” In the “kolon”, the Galilee Year (the re-structured SHuPfy) which is firmly put on top of the “sug-ang”, the SJVTS, that is determinedly planted on the same ground-soil where squatters and subdivisions also stand.
And beneath all these, the Holy Spirit who constantly burns firewood to maintain the heat of the soup guides the “luwag” (ladle), Fr. Manol, that in his slow, still, and serene “pag-ukay” (mixing), those who would taste it could not help but irresistibly ask, “Kinsay galutô ani?!”

Well…WHO else? Thanks to the Master Chef! Thanks to the “kolon”!



leonilo a. dagpin, jr.
03.10.09

"I GOT MY COIN BACK, GET ALL MY BILLS!"

Allow me to share with you, instead of a usual synthesis write-up like the others, what I, as the assigned sharer of the day, cordially expressed during the 6 AM Mass last March 14, 2009 at the GY chapel. I simply just couldn’t contain the overflowing wisdom and goodness of the Lord how He was able to harmonize, through me, my GY experiences (to name one: my recent family transformation experience) and the parables of the Lost Coin, the Lost Sheep, and the Prodigal Son in Luke 15: 1 – 32. For me, this was more than just a synthesis; this was the Father’s way of “celebrating the feast” with me and His friends after the “lost” had gone home. The “celebration” just could not control my quivering lips all throughout my conveyance of God’s message in the presence of Fr. Manol and GY buddies...

Good morning Pads! Bros!

Allow me to share with you one awesome and heartwarming effect the GY formation has caused me to rejoice. Before the Family Dynamics Seminar and Family Day, we (my parents and I) thought Manoy was the prodigal son, the lost coin, the lost sheep. It was after the activity that we realized we were the lost coins, the lost sheep, the lost sons and the older brother. Rigidity was one why we “left” him. And through Fr. Nilo, we were led to realize that “there’s more than engineering…there’s more than mathematics…” in Manoy. As to the story, there’s more than the son’s prodigality, extravagance, sins. And so when we came back “home” to Manoy as he was, as my brother, as their son “beyond his being a pastor”, then God, the ever patient and loving Father (as with the story) ordered a feast! And we really celebrated and enjoyed that feast! That was during the recent Christmas and New Year celebration. Yes, all our past Christmases were joyfully celebrated, but the recent Christmas and New Year was so different; even before the seminar I thought, “This will be a different Christmas and New Year holiday”. And it indeed was! So different and marvelous that I was and am sure I would never forget such moments in my whole life. For last Christmas, that was the first time me and my little brother, with the savings that we had, bought a quality guitar and offered it as a surprise gift to Manoy, to our idol. And that was the very first time we expressed, through the greeting card, the very words, “We love you ‘Noy!” And during the New Year celebration, we were again together after almost 7 years of being incomplete. Though he’s still on the process of recovery and rest now (in our small hut by the farm, an hour away from home, as his specialist recommended), he really has changed a lot, and is getting more deeply happy, peaceful and serene now, like the father, after we went “home”. And for the very first time too, we were able to meet the incoming year with a very solemn and emotional prayer period in front of our old altar, instead of the usual bangs of fireworks and tinkles of coins. Though Manoy didn’t yet join the prayer session (he was just seated on the back listening), what struck me the most was the transformation that happened in the content of each of our prayer: It was not anymore about “May Manoy be finally home with us…”, but instead, words of thanksgiving and imminent hope for finally bringing Manoy back, “Manoy’s back! Though not yet totally, but in the deepest core of our hearts, he’s back and even more!!!” And for the very first time too, in my whole 25 years of existence, we finally had a picture portrait where we were complete as a family (you just don’t know how it was not that easy for us to do such thing before). How happy we were, that few days after the unforgettable event, a large framed picture was already hanging on the very wall of our house. And in my Friendster site, the pictures were already posted, too proud and gratuitous for the whole wide world to see, give thanks to God and convey hope. Through the seminar, the “older brother” in me, in mama and papa was pleased by the Father and soon was led to truth, understanding, acceptance and enlightenment.
In connection with that, yesterday, before lunch time, as I sat down inside the chapel for the regular Consciousness Examen, tears just flowed; I got so emotional as I recalled the series of events that had happened the past week. I could not believe how I was able to make, write, and finish a lot of things in just one whole week; it was just so spontaneous: the editorial thing, editing a GY article for the Tulay publication, filling up the appraisal forms, the program plan for summer, the song and lyrics for last night’s BEC Night…all of them were successfully and marvelously prepared! And what was unbelievable was that, as I was making all these things, “These I do for the GY” was the spring board, was always evolving in my consciousness; not for the self anymore, yet I was so very happy! And what made me even got more emotional was when, with all those awe-inspiring things in mind and heart, I finally expressed to Jesus during the colloquy, “Lord, when I do things according to the talents you bestowed upon me, wala na untay modayeg nako for my own sake…Naa na nako ang ‘coin’ Lord! I already have the ‘coin’ Lord. I already have found my ‘coin’ back. I have found my self-esteem back Lord after the Hospital Ministry. My inner child has returned back Lord after the PSI. I have found my worth and self Lord after the 30-day retreat. I have my family back Lord. I have found back and deepen my perspective in dealing with the poor through the Urban and Rural Immersions. Naa na nako ang ‘coin’ Lord! And I am willing to give all the rest in me. This I do…all for GY…all for Your Church!...not mine! Never will it be for my own sake anymore. Payts na ni Lord; through the ‘coin’, I could already feel your love and grace!” I constantly hope and pray that as I go home from GY, wherever I go, whatever I do, my actions would let the people remark, “He has indeed celebrated after the lost in him had been found and recovered.” Celebrating…meaning: Doing what one, who has undergone the GY formation, must do wherever he goes…
From the family that was transformed, a leader was gradually formed…he bridged a gap…he’ll still be bridging other gaps soon…
Then, he put his right hand in his pocket. He brought out from his pocket a “coin”. Gazing absorbedly on the “coin”, slowly, he smiled; his face brightened. Then he slowly raised his head…and his eyes…looked intently on a direction, on a horizon. There, just nearby, were his friends…waiting, the 99 sheep are waiting, the Father and the older brother are waiting…
Now, with the “coin” he’s holding, the leader is ready to celebrate…


leonilo a. dagpin, jr
03.20.09

FIRST TIMES, THE BEST TIMES!

FIRST TIMES, THE BEST TIMES

Without them, God, my life, the retreat, my family, and my trials that went with them, I couldn’t thank Him this way…this great! This was the realization that suddenly flashed into my being few minutes after I sat on the chair of the bus and left home. This kindled a smile on me; just couldn’t measure how happy and thankful I was that time, as I reminisced on my seat the memories I had since the Family Dynamics seminar until the moment I stepped into the staircase of the bus. How could I not bear a smile and a light heart when in the very first place, my family was a very great part of the unconditional WORTH He made so clear to and with me during such a 30-day experience! And it was through the very presence, the very faces, and the very ever commendable simple actions, the very soft and heartwarming words of the Holy Family! It was so memorable that I couldn’t help but shed a tear or two every time I remember such intimacy even during the other day’s Mass.
And so came the 5th week, the longest week of the exercises. And this time, the focus was the family. With them, the week had set my time for the application, for the renewal of license, for the constant firewood to continue my heart to burn with love and grace. The presence of a professional like Fr. Nilo was so great and remarkable. His presence was a gift for me. For he managed to accompany me and made me see, discover, and realize, for the first time in my life, the deepest realities of my clan, specifically my family, particularly my parents. It was a big, “Ahh...that’s why!” I salute him! Then they arrived, 3 days later. It was the right time, the perfect schedule, and the best venue; for when I already had been packed with a wide scope of awareness and taught with a heart-full way of approach, I was then ready to face a difficult and sensitive task in the midst of them. In fact, I was troubled and worried starting the day before the exchange of hearts. Yet, I never ceased to submit of God all that will happen in the light of His ever-guiding will. And during my pre-sharing prayer moment, while I was on the chapel reflecting upon the series of events that had happened since the beginning of GY, I really felt a different, dawning-joyful beat of my heart; another first-ever experience to happen in my life – that this coming Christmas and New Year will be a different season for me and my family; I could sense it! It was a fire starting to blaze in our hearts and there’s a lot of firewood to flare it up!
Indeed, it was! The warm and affectionate sharing we 3 had was a very good and promising start. Embraced by prayer, feelings were poured out, joys and sentiments were expressed. I opened up mine: My joy and gratitude, my sorrows and sins that caused them pain, my emotions in behalf of my brothers, and a prayer-full, heart-opening sentiment that loosened up rigidities in them. They, too, opened up their hearts: Preliminary justifications were soon transformed into a humble acceptance and eager desire to revive what was lost in our family. How light, loosened, and free was the feeling we had after the sharing! That was the first time ever! And I thanked God for it! “This will truly be a different Christmas when we get home!” I thought. We ended up aware of each other’s orientations, backgrounds and resolutions. They understood me; I too even much understood my mama and papa. The theory (modules, inputs, seminars we had since the beginning) and the application (sharing period with the parents) finally met in my heart; they will walk together from this time on, for the rest of my years.
And this time, after confronting prayerfully the issues from within ourselves, from the roots, we became a team – then it became an avenue for us to move on to extend our united hands and hearts to the rest of the family: to Manoy, in particular. We, them, agreed and came up on a schedule when to have a family prayer session together with him; and the date was on the ever-memorable December 25. I personally suggested such date and activity because I myself together with my little brother would like to verbally express our love for him within the atmosphere of a prayerful family sharing period. We hadn’t expressed this word to him yet, and little did our actions too. I believe, as what I had expressed to my parents that this will contribute a lot to the healing of his current illness: head pains that no physician could ever identify except his psychiatrist. I believed, we believed, this was what he finally needed for recovery. For He too, like me, had been in trouble with the family’s rigidity. But concretely, this would never be easy; we knew him; I personally knew him since I, who was only a year younger, grew up with him so closely; a characteristic one needs to be so prudent and sensitive in approaching. We had failed before; we sent a priest to talk to him but ended up in vain. My parents were so rigid on him (especially during his early years of turning away) that he resisted, and even moved away from us physically for years until last year. We had maintained an approach since then, as recommended by some priests and friends – to simply let go of our rigidity, let him be, and still let him feel that he was loved, supported, and a great part of the family though he had gone away. Yet, the rigidity was still present, and the family seminar sharing became an even wider eye and heart-opener. Thanks be to God!
Now that he was already home with us for almost a year now, we had expressed a different approach; with the same, and even deeper expressions of prudence and sensitivity. Yet still in my heart, seeing the context at home as Christmas was approaching, I opened my arms wide to the will of the Father – I will still be open to possibilities. Things might not happen according to what had been planned, but as long as it was discerned in my heart that whatever happened in our striving, it would still be His Will that will be done. Situation-wise, no prayer-sharing happened on December 25. The place (we spent that day on our farmland in Baliangao where he was asked by his doctor to stay there for medical reasons) was not that conducive or fitting for the set intimate family moment. We realized there are lots of people there and the need was not that compatible that somehow lessened the possibility for such a private gathering. Instead, God allowed and blessed a different kind of sharing. Not just on that day but even before that day until January 2, His plan was working behind every move we made. For it was rather a sharing of actions that spoke louder than words that time. It was so unbelievable to see and experience how Manoy had changed a lot these days! It was so awesome! Indeed, how mysterious God’s ways were, He filled up spaces. My thanksgiving was overflowing, it was more than words!
It all started when as we were about to leave the seminary after the Family Day, he asked me through text messages that if possible, my parents could buy the guitar he dreamt of, the one he saw in Iligan 2 years ago. But as we looked at the price, it had gone so high, almost thrice the price it had few years ago. Though worried that it might hurt his feelings again and would then think we hadn’t granted his few wishes, I still pursued in telling him prudently through a call that we couldn’t afford to buy the guitar. Thankfully, though he expressed a bit of sadness, he assured he was still fine. From the Family Day, I already expressed to my parents how they (we) acted to him that could have hurt his feelings before; and how we must act, this time: To simply love and accept him as he is now, free of all pressures and rigidity. “There’s more than Math, there’s more than engineering in him...” as Fr. Nilo reminded me. Then, my heart suddenly beat a preparation as we reached home in Dapitan: I, together with my little brother, went to a music center in Dipolog and agreed on a very wonderful quality-marked guitar, yet in a different design and lesser price than his dream one. We decided to buy it through the savings that we had and planned to give it to Manoy, and this time, as a gift, a surprise gift from the 2 of us this Christmas. This was another first time for the 2 of us to give a gift to our Manoy. And what was so special was that, we wrote in a greeting card a very touching message for him, all that I wished to say to him, the very words that I had wished to express to him; how much we, his brothers, LOVE him so much…that he was, is and will always be our idol. And on that awaited day, though I was worried that he might not like it since it wasn’t his dream guitar, we gave it him to his surprise. And what was so moving was that when he opened the wrapped gift and played it, he said it had the best quality, matched the guitar he dreamt of, and he loved it very, very much! Though he never verbally uttered the word “Thank you” words (we understood him already since before, he’s not that verbal), after receiving the gift and read the greeting card, I could see in his eyes how happy he was! I could see in his happy, transformed face how he savored in his deepest core the very words we wrote on the card. And when we saw him happy, we too got a share of it. Miraculously, Manoy has really changed a lot now, not anymore the same Manoy we (brothers) knew before as strict and loner. He smiles now, he converses now, he goes outside now and socializes, he exercises now, and the most remarkable was that, he plays the guitar and sings with us, his 2 brothers, now – a memorable first time event that had been happening surprisingly these days.. I never lose hope though we hadn’t actualized the plan, but see how things happened? It was even four-fold! See how we did our best, and God did the rest!
Then, I thought of the activity on the coming New Year. Another related event(s) happened during the New Year, not the planned one again. But such activity, so Spirit-filled that it even more and more flared our hopeful hearts up! The very fact that he went with us to Iligan City (in our ancestral home) as we traditionally did every New Year (as he was not used to do before especially now that he had an illness) made our hearts leap for joy. His stay with us even for just a couple of days was unbelievable; it was like a dream that I wished I would never wake up: We (the 3 of us) sang songs together, we laughed, we sat beside each other and talk – no religious sects; we even understood each other now regarding that. Then came the last few seconds before New Year; and for the first time in our Family New Year history, given the best situation, time, and mood, we greeted 2009, not with firecrackers and coins-throwing, but with a family prayer. We closed doors for a while, and knelt before the altar. The atmosphere was so emotional, so Spirit-filled! And what was so glorifying was that, in our hearts, each of us could feel it, were so much filled with the deepest joy we ever experienced as a family. For during the prayer, each of us never uttered the words we used to strenuously say before, “Mobalik na unta si Manoy…”, but what was dominant was the word THANKSGIVING! Thanksgiving, because though we are not still that whole, we, I was still so thankful to God for what had been happening to our family now; to be as a whole family back is so very, very, very close to realization already! We could feel our hearts burning for it! I could not help but thank God for it in full tears before our old altar (where we used to gather as a family before). Gratitude and imminent hope and promise triumphed over rigidity and pressure! “It is the Lord!” I remembered my being a shepherd carrying the baby Jesus on my contemplation during the retreat. Indeed, it was Him that my family celebrated in those treasured days. For each of us were now whispering in great joy, assured and hopeful, “Manoy has come back! Manoy has come back!” And for the first time that night, so moving, that for my whole 25 years of existence, we had our first ever picture complete as a whole family! And the masterpiece was full of smiles, and the smiles, if one looks at them, expressed that each of us had received the greatest Christmas gift from the very Gift Himself: “That we are a family again, so close, very close to be whole again!” I will develop a large size of it, frame it and hang it right inside our house. I will even soon post the picture as my Friendster’s primary photo to tell the whole wide world that it was because of Christ that we were getting so close in getting back to being totally whole again as a family.
Yes, the supposed plan was not yet actualized, I’m still looking forward to doing it soon, why rush then. Healing, I believe, takes time, quality time…mama resonated. I remembered her before telling me that she would never lose hope; now, look at what she had hoped for!
Manoy still have the marks of his past, as well as his two younger brothers. Mama and Papa still have the marks of the rigid backgrounds and orientations. Yet, the first times we had, the best times, had begun, it will never be too late anymore. And there’s no reason for me to lose hope. Hopelessness could never quench the fire burning fervently in my heart now!
Now let me go back to the One and the place all these things had taken root.
“Thank you Lord for bringing me here in the seminary, for letting me experience what it takes to be a true Galilean”. For without God through Vianney, I could never have realized such WORTH from Him; only in Vianney…only in GY…only with my formators, batch mates, and the people I met did I find a true family in my own family and in families I will soon be with. And He never forsakes, “Take all my will Oh Lord! Your love and grace is much enough for me…see what you have given next, dear One: EVERYTHING FOLLOWS! Indeed, it is the Lord!

LEONILO A.DAGPIN, JR.
January 6, 2009

"SUGNOD" (firewood)

SUGNOD
“Get all my will oh Lord, please help me get them! I offer them to you; use them oh Lord! Will me! I give you everything Lord! I’m just so self-centered! I always do what I will and here I am frustrated again!” Personal issues weren’t far from my retreat.
GRATITUDE – foaming, brimming, and overflowing. God is sooo full of surprises. It was the gratitude rooted in WORTH! – and no longer just an ordinary 5-letter word for me. It was primarily my lack and yet given and even rooted in the context of LOVE! So how could every thing not flow from it! The serenity of the place and in the stillness of my heart, God showed every worth in a slow, soaking, deep-penetrating pace, so that every time I savor them, I could not help but smile.
Well, how could I not! The typical Jun who just couldn’t be set apart from his low-esteem; who couldn’t forget his Grade 1 and 3 scam and theft; who, due to asthma, gave in to the attractive façade of the “world” to boast and compensate; who just recently indirectly rejected his father; in short, a speck of dust – was acknowledged and given the WORTH from One’s activity and sacrifice of life.
One overflowing worth…manifested in three degrees during my retreat… The first week expressed such. Because of that worth, as early as November 2, helpless tears of deepest begging spontaneously cried out the very words mentioned above when I tend to get away from sacrificing my own will to Him. Because of that worth, I was able to see how I was called even before I was born, put me in the right generation, race and time, packed me with gifts and talents. Because of that worth, Jesus cried and endured death for my shame of sin. Because of that worth, He never ceased to wait when I was so prodigal. Because of that worth, he didn’t send me to hell through the family I have now. And because of that worth, he led me back to the basics: how to need (spiritual poverty) and give (actual poverty).
The first few days of the second week that enkindled the deeper manifestation of worth in my whole person showed how my being a servant deeply revealed the true Mary and Joseph who shed tears of both reverential fear and joyful humility. And it was the “shepherd” in me, poorest and lowliest, that the ever-widest coverage of God’s love was revealed through the Child in the manger. And yet, the other sway of the swing, the other standard, made its moves felt. Looking at the remarkable characteristic of the Holy Family, a desire to have a family like that, made me compare mine with them. But the greatest Standard prevailed! They expressed through their very words and deeds how simple people boost and value the basic love and goodness in me and in my family.
This time, the third manifestation of worth was expressed through another word – FRIENDSHIP! And this was, is, and will be it; the best friendship I ever experienced. No other matched such one. For basically, all other friendships are based on Jesus’ friendship to each one – to me! See how he invited me to be with him as he left home to respond to a growing and brimming, irresistible, flaming heart to the will of Abba; how he assured me of the presence of the Father, Son and Spirit within me on the Jordan event; how we embraced with so much joy and companionship after a successful 40-day retreat; how he taught me to transform pride to humility during Peter’s call; how he actualized the worth of a child when he enjoyed playing with children; how he cried pitifully and embraced me when he raised my “Lazarus”; how he expressed emotions as he foretold his death, plead to carry my cross, and assured me of hope and renewal; how he laughed while I danced and praised with the crowd during his triumphal entry at Jerusalem; how I took a few puffs of my inhaler after a trembling and cringing moment during the turning and throwing of tables at the temple; how I, in the most passive moments, gazed and empathized with so much pity on the very human Jesus as he cried and trembled in weakening feet during the “pamilin-bilin” moments; how he showed a weary, bloody, and dirty face and body as he went through the wild roads to the mount; how he cried in deep pain when the soldier hit even more forcefully the hammer as I shouted and pleaded for a stop; how I saw the last tiny smile and stream of tears after I emotionally and whole-heartedly kissed his badly-bruised toe; how I rushed after a moving dinner to be with him on the last few seconds of his life! Just when our friendship became so intimate and “at-home”…he died. Just when I appreciated and gave-in with love to the Father’s will through a deepening eagerness to pray despite a tight daily schedule…he died. That was the emptiest heart I ever felt! No one would chat with me on bedtimes anymore; greet “Good morning!”; no one to ask, “Saan na naman tayo ngayon Lord?!” eagerly anymore. He let me feel through his grace; the grace I asked for the whole retreat, how to feel and use the heart, over the typical Jun who used to rationalize things. If only I said “Yes!” to the companionship he offered before, “Simba ta Jun!”. And when he, already coughing blood on the cross, uttered the words, “Friends na tayo Jun ha…” during a particular repetition of his death, my sinful state just uttered helplessly, “Lord..it’s already too late…you are dying…” No one already answered when I looked up at the lifeless corpse, and when I regretfully struck a few times the stone door, “ Amigo na ta Lord! Amigo na ta!” Just imagine, he experienced all those unimaginable things for men to do; did the initiative to really call me to his friendship through that way! – for me! Just because of that “Busy ko!” Who was I?! That even during such passions, the other sway of the swing surfaced again. The “master” in me reacted, “Lord, why do you do that? That only for servants!” when he washed my feet; the “liberty to choose comfort” in me just ‘slept’ and didn’t even shed a tear during his agony in the garden; the “di-palulupig” in me cried out, “Retaliate Lord!” when he was slapped and beaten by the priests and people; the “flesh over spirit” in me made me thought he would not strive to lift his body and rise after a heavy scourging and cross. BUT HE DIDN’T!” This time, he made me realize what real servant hood was and is all about; what sacrificing the comfort of one’s own will to the Father’s was and is all about; what non-violence was and is all about; what faithfulness until the end through holding on to the Spirit even though the flesh is weak.
Then, on that particular dawn, indeed, evil never and will never prevail! How graced I was to really witness with all my senses, my whole being, when he revealed with Mary and me, and showed the signature smile and embrace of the human and glorified divine Jesus; how I joked in the at-homeness of my heart to Jesus, “Nakakabaliw ka na man Lord pag nagco-console ka!” when I was able to relate my resurrection experience with mother, Magdalene, my Emmaus buddy, and with the disciples! And now, just as how the disciples’ face became so unstoppable and powerful after the assurance of his presence “to the end of the age”, my heart, too, was so fueled with burning passion and eagerness to “love his sheep”. And this love was no longer an ordinary 4-letter word, but a reminiscing and savoring of the friendship so that I may be able to experience them with others, the unworthy and not just mere words.
And in the “coliseum” with the choir of angels and innumerable saints around the Triune God, I finally fell down on my knees and stretched out my hands! Invigorated and “handa nang sumabak”, I don’t have to boast and exhibit! For though they give me a pleasing face to people, now I realized, it didn’t and won’t last. For behind such compensations of pride, boastfulness, honor, riches – I still ended up empty, cold, and naked, in self-pity and low esteem. The “world” does not know how I helplessly prayed for strength and courage since I could not do such things all by myself; that I am nothing before God; and cannot do things without Him. And what made it more tempting yet challenging when the “world” knew and taunted me, “Ah, talawan man diay gihapon ka Jun! Sangpit man diay gihapon ka’g Ginoo! Pila ra man unta toy pagpasikat, ikaw pay mabulahan!”
It doesn’t matter now, for it is this God who, in my coldness and nakedness, has clothed me with worth and love that never and will never end! Thus it’s time to let go and let God use and will them! So, Lord, LOVE and GRACE – is more than enough Lord, please grant them to me, ‘yan lang Lord” Love and grace summarized in your presence of friendship with me. Your presence lang Lord, you as in you lang, then I would never feel empty even when I get poor and suffer. When I was with you, even before you were born, with your parents – I was poor. When we went out to the ministry, I didn’t bring any thing – but I was happy, so happy and secured and warm whenever you are with me. Use my liberty, my memory, my understanding, my will! Bahala na magkasugat-sugat ‘tong mga daliri ko sa paggi-gitara, lahat ng ito ay para sa ‘yo! Your presence lang Lord, enough for me; so that I may use all that I have and act according to the purpose you wished me to do. Use all I have Lord – even my very life as avenues, as instruments to make you present in my being and action. As regards the Jun now, yes, still the same, but let me express the transformation through this song, “Because of You my life has and will change, thank you for the love and joy/grace you bring…I feel no shame, I’ll tell the world (through pondering and actions, not boasting) it’s because of You!” And in connection with his final “pamilin-bilin”, “Jun, ‘wag mo kalimutan pagsasamahan natin ha!” Yes, Lord, I will be your priest; I will LOVE your sheep! Gatungan mo puso kong nagliliyab!
How Jun? Continuing the faithfulness and generosity to PRAYER and my friends in the Lord – they are renewal of license, my constant firewood, SUGNOD. And as Fr. Arrupe expressed, “It will decide everything”; shared with my flaming heart’s words, “…and everything follows”.
With that, Oh lord, see how rich I and Your Church will become! Praise God! All these things are for You dear Friend and Lord! THANK YOU VERY MUCH!


LEONILO A. DAGPIN, JR.
December 10. 2008

THE GIFT

The dozen days had it all: New bonds of friendship, shaking relationships, laughter, tears, singing, dryness, energy, drains, freedom, tension, art, mere words, denials, realizations, pressures, and challenges. Truly, alongside energy was tension. Yes, I experienced pressure, but it never had the last word, for beneath such tension was GRACE; it took the victor’s crown, ‘Twas Grace In the Finals!
Well, how could I not express such joyful awe and appreciation when even as early as now, I could already see and feel how a house will be standing in solid ground with sturdy structures that will firmly hold the beauty of art portrayed on its exteriors – simply because all the needed materials are complete, even more and nothing less! The “nails” of weekly modules and orientations were strong and unbreakable. And here came two separate “hardwood bars”: the hospital ministry and the PSI. Yes, at first, I thought the two would not become a good pair to form a “column” (pillar). But as the building grows, it was then that I realized how my “hammer” of inner struggles, feelings, and experiences (provided the aid of the “nails”) became instrumental in the union and connection of such strong beams. And let me not set aside how the Great Designer-Architect allowed and guided the hands of the “mason builders”-formators to carefully and whole-heartedly make use of the “hammer”. My realization of a repressed anger during the hospital ministry evaluation was never left behind. It was even more deeply affirmed and accompanied by the PSI. The salutation, appreciation, and praise I gave to the formation team during the hospital ministry were even more kindled during the PSI. Praise God, the “mason builders” really got it right!
But of course, such uplift of spirit was not without its struggles. The process itself was tedious: Eyes had to be moistened, lips had to quiver, and body had to be drained. FROM light preliminary activities of showing and presenting the images of vocation and talents I usually portray INTO searching deeper the awareness of the conscious and unconscious needs enlivened by the catharsis, EPPS, and Transcendence evaluations – then came the chattering voices from within, “Why am I like this?!”, I don’t believe on the EPPS results!”, “Why invalid?!”, “Why low-esteem?!”, “Me! An exhibitionist?!”, “Why can’t I just simply shout and cry out these angry beasts within?!” “Why can’t I be angry at them?!”, “Why?...How come?!...” Yes, it was a difficult struggle; my whole body even got numb, and I almost got into trouble with my just-recuperating lung malfunctions. But, my first impression never lasted. Thank God! There was a fantastic “mason worker” team, specifically Ate Eva! With her careful use of my “hammer” as she professionally and spiritually read between the lines of my results, my rebellious “owws?!” became an enlightened “ahhh!” With her aid in slowly and gradually removing the cloth which wrapped my kid’s mouth and the chains that bound his hand, he is now slowly speaking and expressing up all the suppressed, un-uttered voices. He needs me to befriend and re-parent his vulnerabilities. And my growing awareness in being careful in my choice of words in papers from this time on – is a very good start.
And with the PSI’s concluding challenge of harmonizing the transcendental values I hold into the ideals of how, what, and where I will be in the near future, the risk of opening up my self to formation is getting deeper and deeper. The concluding prayerful atmosphere itself assures me that in all these complexities, Christ is “before, behind, within, over, around us and under our feet…” The Architect envisions a house that he always dreams of.
Yes, the “happily-ever-after” story does not end here yet…there is still some rocky ways to go; I may still be on the rise and fall on the different levels in the naming, claiming and taming acts; my tears were not yet dry; my eyebrows will still meet in anger – but the Architect-Designer, through the hands of the mason-workers-formators have done their undivided parts and contributions; I too am striving now to do mine and cooperate…Then I even more deeply be assured to see only “one set of footprints in the sand”.
As I face the 30-day retreat, I’ll bring with me a “shovel” and work with it. For it is then that I’ll be digging a deep hole good enough for the pillars of my “house” to have its Very Solid Ground Foundation that soon no storm could ever break.
Everything that happened and will happen here is indeed THE GIFT, and it is in this gift that the True Gold Is Found!

LEONILO A. DAGPIN, JR.
October 8, 2008

FROM MY TONGUE, TO MY EARS, INTO MY HEART

FROM MY TONGUE. I was a listener, and then all of a sudden, I seek for it. My month-long deep cough culminated when a high fever got along with it. Some unlistened “parts” of me weren’t able to prevent me the burning enthusiasm from relating with patients on the very first day of the hospital ministry despite the struggling physical disposition. For when I dealt with the patients, I could not feel the fever and cough; unknowingly they are temporarily hidden by my eagerness to carry out the ministry. It was only when I settled myself down and dropped my energy level that such illnesses surfaced back.
The next day, I just found myself on one of the beds of the private rooms I’ll be visiting in the hospital for the rest of the month. Indeed, a unique and “something-to-reflect-upon” start! So, what did it mean then? It was something from the Voice that whispered to me and opened my eyes so that I may realize that, “Jun, it was no longer a virtue you’re doing. Yes, you have listened to patients but it was still unjust for that suppressed “craving-for-rest” part of you to continue to suffer within you…” Indeed, He opened my eyes! Yes, physically I really have to rest…be treated…regain the energy good enough to sustain the gloomy atmosphere and suffering hearts. I have to rest awhile…mission needs it! Yet, there was something deeper that God wanted to remind me then. For I wanted to boast to my fellows that I had interviewed 9 patients on the very first day! I just didn’t know that in the midst of such success, fragile feelings were trespassed, a fragile feeling of an afflicted father was trespassed; I was just so unreflective and insensitive. I just rushed, talked and talked and became so functional. “You have to be a patient first Jun in order to deal with them”…as Christ became food with His people. My GY buddies were not admitted to the hospital like me that day, but they were still successful at the end of the ministry. Why? Because they too, in their part, had been “sick” in their own ways that they too were able to share the hurts with the patients.
Being hospitalized was not new to me. In fact, I used to stay in several hospitals for several months when I was a kid due to asthma. But it was on this recent experience that I truly appreciated the more profound value of listening. For as a patient, a broken spirit really begged to look for a listening ear. I just couldn’t totally grasp why I had a lot of stories to tell; and in effect, the student doctors and nurses, visiting friends, and my BEC buddies were my listening ears that time. Patients do really have a lot of histories to tell and unfold; I realized then that I really, really have to listen when it’ll be my time to listen as soon as I get healed and get back to the ministry. I was with them and there I deeply know what it felt to be spent with attentive ear. Yes, though I sacrificed 4 listening days, but it was all worth it!
THEN, TO MY EARS. A more compassionate heart flowed from every tear. Empathy was so close between me and a suffering mother, a sorrowful husband, and a troubled daughter. Pray-overs and words of challenge were initiated. And wasn’t it so humbling to realize that after all the pride my being a seminarian had to boast; only my ears remained?! Insights, reflections, comments, life stories, doubts, encouragement, struggles, anger, beliefs, and biases – they put me up and low. They put me high. Words of encouragement and welcoming smiles were so consoling. But they also put me down. I could have answered their questions and doubts; I could have consoled them with colorful words of encouragement; I could have defended the Catholic faith…but my tongue turned numb…I just couldn’t help but listen. Wasn’t that consoling enough already? I believe so. For in a while, I knew they would calm themselves down, and they did! It was exhausting…to receive crying hearts and brimming anger…it was energy-draining, but in the end, it was all worth it! For every painful energy received was offered to the Lord at the end of every day, asking for the grace to transform such cries into hope, peace, and healing.
INTO MY HEART. Deeply, I sensed that it will never be that easy… and it was indeed not that easy. Every patient has his/her story. And every story slowly shoveled the soil in me. Treasures of unbroken diamonds and jewels were found to my delight, but on the other hand, broken clay jars and scattered antique fragments were slowly surfacing well enough for diggers to remove from soil, examine and further study. Simply because they were on the same pile that they have to remove even the broken ones? Why can’t they just get the jewels?! First cries, immediate reactions. Even on the first day, past hurts were already triggered. The image of tough “sunog-baga” image of patients reminded me of past persons who had hurt the small, shy, harmless, peaceful kid. And even on the very first day of duty since my absence was met with unexpected yet familiar faces. “Flat nose”, “bad smell”, “still using stroller like an elementary kid”, etc. – jeers from high school rich and classy classmates were unexpectedly brought back to the senses when in 2 high-rate private rooms, I felt I was rejected and not listened. It was really so unexpected, after all the eagerness I had within. I felt I was surprisingly punched and knocked out. Past “mummied” hurts were re-awakened. Authority hang-up was so dominant and enraging. It got me so down with my esteem. And so, human tendency led me to evade, with bias, the next room, and shifted towards those rooms where I got at home with: from the poor to the middle-class patients. That was still the 2nd week of the hospital ministry and the weekend processing got it right! REPRESSED ANGER! And had its greatest weight on my creeping sickness! I had been deprived of so many things before due to asthma: Play, swim, stroll, meet new friends, drive, ice cream, dance, etc. “Papawisan ka, hihika-in ka na naman!” Almost everything was prohibited and taken into careful scrutiny.
Now, people look at me as a good, calm, smiling person. Yes, God created me good. Or was I just projecting and boosting these traits and hide the “fierce and brutal beast” within, simply because these things were prohibited to a seminarian’s life?! I just can’t simply let this mentality go, because they’re deeply rooted to my past pains. I could turn into a “silent rebel”; that my being-at-home with the poor patients was saying, “Makibaka laban sa mapag-aping mayayaman!” Without the GY, I believe I would be one of those icons who became so one-sided; totally immersing themselves with the poorest of poor, and brand every rich as evil. In fact, it almost got into when, with the passive rebel triggered, I wrote rap lyrics that cruelly described the injustice committed by an elder seminarian (during college). Now, I know and am aware, more challenges and confrontations yet to come; thanks be to God through Ate Venus, Fr. Manol, and my GY buddies. For it was then that I knew that even on the way I speak almost in any occasion, there was a sense of anger; for every speech was like a declamation, heavy, with conviction, strong, willed, with force and muscle. And the very 2 fields which I’m only confident on, the academics and music, were even stained with such creeping, repressed one. Academically, the angry part wants to compensate by striving to be always on top and produce quality papers. “Musically”, this angry part really wants to boast itself as a skillful artist better than others by for instance, strumming like a rock star on Masses.
So, why remain Jun if all these things just cause you pain? Excavating the buried pains you wished were never recalled and brought back to life?! Well, my answer is this, and let me quote my answer from the question asked about the vocation story re-view during the recent PSI which stated, “At this stage of my formation, what makes me want to continue with becoming a priest?”: This promising and hopeful GY formation program this year makes me want to continue with becoming a priest. Though I was not yet done with the year, but as early as 3 months (after our director presented to us the year-round activities), I could really see promise and hope that I will be formed. I am excited (though with some feelings of worry too) on what I will become at the end of the year (since I really strive and pray to open with honesty my self to formation and God’s promptings). I could not see any formation program as wholistic and wonderful as this in other seminaries. This year is non-academic, so I can really focus on my self (my human, spiritual, pastoral aspects). Yes, it is painful whenever buried pains are brought back to life, but since I have this great faith and trust in God that I will be helped to become a good, holy, competent, full-packed priest through my formators and the formation program, I am willing and open to risk it all, to open up even the “hurtiest” details, to surrender them all to Him. In fact, from the start of the program (sharing periods, IC, SD, GA) until now, I already shared 9/10 of my life stories. I’ve got to risk.
The world is indeed not flat. No more blinding darkness, I’m starting to see rays of light (bidlisiw sa ke-adlawon) as in dawn. I see promise and hope. Soon these rays will gradually emerge as a new day comes until it radiates in full light. I just wanted to be helped.
God’s grace. Formation’s assistance. My cooperation.




LEONILO A. DAGPIN, JR.
September 9, 2008

DEAL OR NO DEAL

When I’m in pain, when I’m angry, when I fear – GUILT takes its prominent place on me. I imagine myself being in the middle of a tension of a game show wherein the host and the crowd wait demandingly and have finished asking me, “Deal or No Deal?!”, “Pera o Bayong?!”, “Laban o Bawi?!” Within that quick span of time, there is pressure, coercion, insistence; torn between two seemingly same-weighted options. And the answer I will utter will determine what I will be in the next days. Once uttered and decided, it will never be got back again…no return, no exchange.
Yes, that’s where I will be when I feel guilty. It’s as if the world stops in a deafening silence for a moment, waiting for me to decide whether to ‘throw the stone against an enemy or just humbly throw it away’. But this time, it is and it’ll no longer be a game show, for there will be no more time pressure, no coercion. In dealing with guilt now (after a worthwhile series of sessions in the past 2 weeks), a decision is made after a tedious and deepening solitude of prayer, reflection and discernment are undergone in the process…not an overnight thing, not a “seconds to play” game. The silence spent will no longer be with an excited crowd, but with a listening and excited God. And unlike a game show, there’s no such terms as “no return, no exchange”, for an action done especially those hurting ones, will never be the end of everything, will not determine and judge what I will be in the future; for I can still go deeper and compensate: “I can still return and change!”
However, the “game show” image doesn’t simply end like that. For in a world of two tensions and forces, the “stone” will not just be a stepping stone, it will also be a stumbling block! One can still decide in a “game show” atmosphere. I had and will surely experience more of it if I let myself be weakened. It’s really a roaring and ready-to-devour lion that persistently lurks within. That makes the tension of decision-making in GUILT so intense and fragile; one can’t simply avoid it:
My need to be accepted and validated when I presented to authority figures in our diocese my article about mining (after having spent sleepless nights in the making; indeed, a masterpiece!) wasn’t recognized and acknowledged. It just went to the bookshelves; my extraordinary masterpiece just went to ordinary piles of files. They weren’t able to read and acknowledge the art of poetry I expressed upon, the creativity I applied. Wasn’t that worth discouraging!? Then, here came the question, “Deal or No Deal?!” What does each option mean? This time, with a new sense of meaning. I should have shouted “No Deal!”: I should have given up, I should have lost hope, I should have stopped writing masterpieces and be contented with just-for-requirement works. But as I see it now, I’m thankful to God I’ve done the “Deal!” part: I believed I dealt with it, I let go of it. Though I could not remember any instance of a crying letting-go, I believe I had been into that or into related letting-go actions. For now, I could still sense my burning passion and zest to write masterpieces. No matter they read it or not, affirm it or not; I will still continue writing masterpieces, for I believe and hope that they will be…in the future. God Himself never fails to recognize. Could this be a “letting go”? I highly believe so.
An adolescent need to flow with the fashion was suppressed. During school gatherings (high school), I would just be wearing my school uniform except for the t-shirt of course, instead of “maong” pants and in-style shoes. For whenever I ask money from our parents, they would most of the time present to me the theme “saving and not wasting money”. I became so passive; I just got used to or got contented to wearing such out-of-style attire. I just depend on what they give and offer. That’s why, even until now, aside from the fact that my attire is still as simple as before, I still feel awkward to ask money from them. And even now, I still would feel so uneasy and indirect to name the amount of money I need due to fear that the demand would be too large for them and consequently would not approve. It is indeed a childhood hang-up. Then again, came the question, “Deal or No Deal?!” Yes, until now, I still need money here in the seminary; and I still have to ask from them. And this time, our family’s financial status has alleviated a little (though still struggling) compared before. I should have shouted “No Deal!”: I should have been so aggressive in asking money from them; I should have been so aggressive in compensating what I lack before; I should have been gathering numerous benefactors to fill up my past hang-ups! Or, I still should have been so passive and “saintly” martyr; just waiting for them to give whatever amount they wish to give (even though I badly needed a large amount). But as I experience things now, thanks be to God, through these things, I grow. I am assertive in a great sense of things! I believe I’d undergone a letting-go experience. It doesn’t matter if I don’t have a new pair of shoes, pair of new clothes and jeans. I don’t need them for fashion’s sake. I don’t even get that much affected over others’ fashion and gadgets. I’m contented with what I have now, simple yet decent. I don’t aggressively demand such things from them. Rather, I understand them. I really have to save. And this time, these “contented”, “understand”, and “save” themes (as with before) no longer suppress my adolescent needs and hang-ups. When they offer some things, I would even let them know that the help be diverted to our youngest brother (who, in his very young growing years, weren’t able to receive the level of treatment and pampering we had before due to the present family work condition). With that, it’s true, that being assertive made me compassionate to myself and others. As regards my growing financial need in the seminary, yes, I still ask money from them, but in an assertive way. And this time, I really ask for what I want; I name amounts, clear about it, but in a subtle, trusting, respectful and responsible manner; without having them pressured.
I admit, that even until now, the virus “coward” part of me still lurks within. It’s really not an overnight, one-session-sharing thing to boost and uplift the greater “courage” part with regard to my involvement in sports. Whenever Tuesday or Thursday afternoons come, the “low image” still creeps on my whole system. And then, comes the question, “Deal or No Deal?!”…”Laban o Bawi?!” The game show time-pressure theme immediately instructs me to do diversions, wash clothes, clean the room, pretend to be sleeping, pretend to be sick, go out to the city…In short, let my batch mates know that I can’t do it to the court since I’m “busy”. But now, I’m thankful to God…I could already listen and talk to my deprived, low-esteemed little Junjun…unlike before. Yes, my heart still pumps anxiety, fear and worries, but not now, there are already developments and signs of growth…my little Junjun will no longer be left behind. Deep in my heart, I would just whisper to him, tap his shoulder, “Yes, I understand…don’t be afraid, kaya nato ni with God’s Grace…” Laban? Deal!
“Labay ning gitara ‘ron!” This was the phrase that could have changed everything; the phrase that inflicted in me the greatest regret and guilt so far last week in the GY. I thought my batch mate already knew that he was the one I was referring to when I uttered the phrase during our music practice. I thought he had already accepted his mistake since he joked around with me using the phrase. Marami nga’ng namamatay sa maling akala, or simply unreflected rush, impolite, immature approach. For the fact is that, for him, it was my other classmates who must deserve the blame, not him. So, in my part, I didn’t hesitate to mention his name in the midst of my batch mates during the sharing period. Consequently, my overconfidence and egoism turned into gloom when I realized he was badly hurt about my approach. I was just staring blank during the Consciousness Examen; I was so silent during lunch time (my table mates noticed it); I couldn’t sleep during siesta… I could empathize the uneasiness felt by a contestant posed with a 1 million question…it was, indeed, the peak of my GUILT! I should have approached, talked, and made it clear with him personally before I uttered his name on public. What regret! What must I do? Then, I pondered. “Deal or No Deal?!” here it goes again. Stepping stone or stumbling block? And yes, unlike the “no return, no exchange” answers of a game show, my mistake didn’t signal the end of the world, my previous NO can still be changed into a “YES!” I can still compensate in the name of brotherly love, peace, and justice. Thanks be to God! He guided me to a ‘stepping stone’! I wasn’t able to sleep that siesta until I approached him and asked forgiveness personally. Yes, it was quite too late already, BUT it will never be the end. For during the next sharing period, I sincerely asked forgiveness from my brothers, for though I sinned against one, I sinned against God and community. And their attentiveness and readiness to listen, as well as, their acceptance that time shed all the guilt away. I was so happy at that moment; my heart was so light and grateful to God. I was so Spirit-filled that time!
Guilt is indeed the determining and crucial factor in growing up to decide what one must do with the ‘stones’ of fear and anger; to use them as ‘stumbling blocks’ of self-ill, passivity, cowardice and aggressiveness; OR as a ‘stepping stones’ of courage, assertiveness, and maturity. And in the end, there will be no “once-sold, no-return” themes, for it all gear towards a “money back guarantee” – forgiveness-justice-peace-love-reconciliation guarantee. Growth in human Christian maturity never stops with a (.), but with a (…) It goes beyond…it transcends…DEAL!

LEONILO A. DAGPIN, JR.
August 7, 2008

PIGGY BANK

I may have “conquered the outer space, but not the inner space”, as George Carlin says. I may have “been to paradise but I’ve never been to me”, as a song says. Yes, as I experienced many things from the past apostolates until the recent Ministry Year I believe I already have what it takes to be a minister of the Shepherd. I already have “crumbs” of awesome characteristics and “foretastes” of shepherding experiences; be it in organizing groups in the parish, actively participating in BEC with the youth and families, immersing and accompanying Church movements and covenant communities, contributing through writing in the social action, nurturing a lifestyle of detachment and simplicity, striving to value healthy relationships, setting aside superiority and nourishing compassion and being-for and with. But, in the midst of such “paradise”, I sensed something great is still lacking within me, and Jesus reminded me, “…so much more to I need you to become an integrated, full-packed servant leader…” Then, I realized: I’ve gone too far already yet I missed some fundamentals…I have to go back to the basics…to the “me”, to my “inner space”. And that emptiness lurking within me led me to an image of a PIGGY BANK.
What one would immediately see is a smiling, fat, bulky, shiny, colorful pig. But deep inside lies a roughness of surface in a hollow and dark space. I’ve been trying my best to portray to people a “monumental”, “shining”, functional image of a seminarian. I talk with a gift; show strategy, creativity and art in writing and teaching; plays harmoniously in music; and healthy with students and different peoples. I taught my students how to pray, but I didn’t even devote quality time manifesting the most fundamental way of teaching people how to pray – by praying.
And this other experience was just what I recently noticed and pondered upon. I never uttered (and could not utter) bad foul words when I had my MY. I showed smiles, and portrayed a good, “kuya” image to them. In short, I maintained a smooth and harmonious relationship with different peoples during my MY. But during our music practice last week, I got annoyed and uttered a violent threat of words to one of my fellows. Then, as I recalled the event later on, the smooth and harmonious turning of my world stopped within me, I was then full of questions, confusions, and regrets. “Why do I easily get annoyed when I deal with my batch mates?”
I too, together with my fellows, sometimes laugh at situations of some priest – nun or parish priest – assistant feuds on many parishes we know. But as I reflected upon it, that was the basic thing many priests tend to miss and look into. I too laugh about it, not recognizing that I, still a seminarian, was already manifesting such kind of a future-attitude towards my fellow seminarians. Realizing the danger (if not resolved), I could not help but get struck and moved to focus myself on what the PCP II says about priests as “agents…working side by side with other agents”. Many priests are going too far to be smooth with the people, yet they forget one basic thing: To be comfortable working and collaborating with their fellow priests, and other agents such as the nuns. And this is also one of the issues I am going to face and work out while I am still in formation. Simply because it’s quite difficult. How could we not create such tension when in fact we’ve been together in formation since the beginning and so we know each other’s ups and downs more than the people (for whom and with whom we serve) do?! With that, many seminarians who have younger sisters easily get irritated when their fellow seminarians joke about courting the former’s pretty siblings. Simply because they know their fellows in a deeper sense of their attitudes. And since I know their limitations, it would then be annoying and superficial to see my fellows deal so sweetly with other people. It’s as if I want to inform and warn these people that, “Hey, don’t believe in him, I know that man, I know his dark secrets!” and to my fellows, “Hey, don’t be superficial, I know you!” Obviously, in the end, the blame’s still put on me. I’ve gone too far but I failed to see the “dark, rough, hidden” hang-up within…the other side of the gleaming piggy bank. For what will be its consequence? Terribly dangerous! This kind of attitude show and will lead me to pride and unhealthy competition in showing talents and abilities, and in gaining and winning the hearts of parishioners. There would then be no unity; so the tension between parish priests and their assistants emerges. Why do I portray such things? Why do priests struggle on this one? Because I simply and basically fail to recognize the goodness each agent has. I fail to acknowledge the competence of the diverse gifts each seminarian has. I should have thanked the Lord for their individual and unique gifts. I should have seen, as St. Paul sees, each gift as a piece of puzzle. How lovely a parish will be if priests unite each unique “puzzle piece” of gifts in order to form a whole solid body of pastoral competency. And this challenge invites me now while I’m still in formation. Thanks be to God, thanks to the formation I’m into right now. With constant praying and striving, I’m hopeful. I believe this will be one of the COINS that will fill the hollowness of my piggy bank.
Yes, one of the precious coins. Because alongside with it, are the coins of God’s GRACE; the coins of the academic, spiritual, human, and pastoral formation offered to me; the coins of my active participation and response; the coins of prayers, emotional, financial support of family, friends, and benefactors. These coins will hopefully fill the void within my piggy bank – an image of a priest fully-packed inside-out…shining outside, filled inside! How whole will I hopefully be!
And yes, I mentioned during our sharing period about the image of a diamond, that when one gazes upon it; he will not only see a bare shape of diamond, but will see a “light other than its bare body”. That’s what pastoral service is, and thus should not be equated with work, for it goes beyond work. And when we get tired and drained, we can call to a Man greater than any other man. For from Him originates the essence of pastoral service, an image, rays of light other than the plain W, O, R, K of work itself. With God working within me, I say: That’s what I am to the people. As I experienced it, people could really see a light other than my body. It’s so heartwarming to know how my cancer-struck aunt was so persistent and excited to see me and trust me as I prayed over her. It’s so blessed and graced to hear living transformations in the hearts of students, from their letters and recent text messages, during my MY, when in fact I barely advised them in words but just showed my true self to them through my actions. And this fact led me to a mystery. For I could not see in myself the weight and level of such “diamond rays” they see in me. I know myself. I have my inadequacies. I don’t even feel the worth of a servant leader. I just couldn’t fathom how deep the Lord’s mysterious love working within me. God makes this light possible to shine beyond my body, for He himself is the Light; He’s really within me. Thanks be to God! And that’s what people see in a priest: Colorful, brilliant rays of light from a diamond. The people would not see the emptiness, but the COINS within; the COINS BEYOND A BARE PIGGY BANK! People see a “treasure” in me; the “coins” and the Coin within me!
And this struck me the most. For when I go beyond the bare image of a piggy bank, when I already go back and nurture the seemingly-forgotten basics…the “me” and fill the “inner space” with the coins and the Coin; and when I soon become a fully-packed, heavy, solid inside-out “piggy bank” of a servant leader – then my “piggy bank” will soon be broken into pieces. Yes, it entails pain and sacrifice, but I have to be broken in order to satisfy and gladden the hearts of the ONES who gradually, prayerfully, and constantly put in the “coins” – God, family, friends, batch mates, diocese, seminary and especially the Church. How symbolic the pains and sacrifice entailed in the priesthood TO the very holy life and actions Jesus Himself did on His cross and resurrection. Yes, despite the pain, I am and still challenged to continue in this formation the searching to the basics, the striving to be open and be formed in all my woundedness and deepest pains, the will to actively participate and do my part the best that I can, the nourishment and deepening of my prayer, the zest and enthusiasm of service to others…
How happy and blessed will the Church be to savor the precious COINS they put into my PIGGY BANK! I see promise and hope…


LEONILO A. DAGPIN, JR.
JULY 18, 2008

HALF-EMPTY? NO! HALF-FULL!

I simply just want to go home! Why torment myself?! Why do I have to open up and tackle even the tiniest details of my life?! It’s just like pulling tiny strands of coconut wood hurting underneath my skin (or salugsug) – it’s painful! Why do I have to be disturbed and choked by my inadequacies and hang-ups?! Why do I have to hear and could not avoid the terms, “authority hang-ups”, “delayed adolescent reactions”, “sexual maturity”, “emotional immaturity”, etc.! We don’t tackle these things at home, yet I’m simply happy and seemingly at peace with who I am and with what I have way back home. I didn’t do such level of deepening during my Ministry Year and yet the year-long experience was generally a great fulfillment and joyful success. Aren’t those experiences good enough for me to continue my seminary formation without excavating the buried issues?! The thrill and excitement was set to be chatted with zest, ready to be shared and boasted with friends…only to be stammered by a reality I could and should not escape. And here I am now, inside this chapel but with a gloomy face and striking my chest; still experiencing the first few weeks of June, already imagining a scenario wherein I confess to my director, parents and classmates that I could not endure the remaining months of the GY program, and I simply just wanted to go home!
This was the cry and lamentation of a man who was still startled, shocked and caught by surprise. THE GLASS WAS HALF-EMPTY. I felt so isolated that time. That was when series of experiences, though how petty some of them were, triggered and “added insult to injury”. And by that time, I really needed a listening ear for it’s about to burst into depression. And thanks be to God… for during the sharing period ears were lent, during the IC an ear was lent, during prayer the greatest Ear was generously and graciously lent. For it was through them that I, in turn, heard a Voice which said, “For now, I could not answer you with a yes, but with what is best...Yes, you already have the characteristics of a good servant-leader, but so much more do I need you to become an integrated, full-packed servant-leader. That’s the best for you.” A short and simple answer yet a deep one; the GY formation is indeed a gift to be savored and treasured. I should have thought that this year is a privilege, an opportunity or even a once-in-a-lifetime event that other seminaries could not offer; hence, I should never miss this chance to grow wholly and be holy. Yes, it’s painful and tedious to “remove the tiny thorns of a makahiya plant stuck on my skin” but I have to in order for me to be healed. And within me, over me, under me, before me I pray for His grace.
Yes, I’m not that masterful in playing basketball and their taunts and jeers make me feel so rejected and isolated; my imminent baldness despite my very young age which crushes my self-esteem and I could not face people and offer undivided service; the torments of delayed adolescent reactions in dealing with sexual maturity that leads to egoistic gratification; the lure of entitlements and conveniences which effected from a poor authority hang-up; the immaturities and insensitivities to the greater needs other than my self; and the deprivations that was brought about by my family – who could not have wanted to go home, wear a mask and suppress all these things. I really have so many details to expand regarding this matter. Tackling my half-empty glasses would probably cover a 10-page paper.
But what makes me kicking in excitement and enthusiasm right now is this new found flaming GRACE within me in dealing with my half-empty glasses. I don’t have to elaborate all my hang-ups in paper; the Ear and the “ears” have already heard and listened to them in utmost sincerity. For now, I sense promise and hope! NOW, I SEE A HALF-FULL GLASS! Thanks to the EARS and TONGUES, they led me to see such amazing GRACE! How could I not be so enthusiastic and passionate to share with you the value and wisdom that I experience on FOCUSING and PRESENCE! It started on the session and sharing period, and was followed up by a ground in prayer, and culminated during the IC. And the 1 holy-hour experience last July 11 was the greatest manifestation of such grace; and this I tell you in honesty and sincerity. It was a brimming prayer experience! And my journal could testify to that! During that Spirit-filled night, when the broken pieces of my life seemed to gather together and form a massive force to attack me, I was able to say, “Hey, you’re too many, but I tell you, you’re just an integral part of the greater me!” Yes, this may sound authoritative though consoling, but as I drew deeper and deeper into the calmness and compassion of my heart that night, the struggle in facing the massive force surprisingly led me to a scenario: I wondered why I’m here at home, in our old house in Iligan. It was so quiet; I thought I was the only one there. But as I looked in front of me, I saw a little child sitting on our white sofa with his head bent down in utter sadness. And as I drew near to him, I realized, I recognized…wait…it was ME!... the little Jun who was deprived of many things! Pity came across my heart, but I did not cry and I don’t have to, for then I felt 2 forces wanting my attention, needing my ears…I don’t have to choose. I have to listen to both of them. Yet, that sad little Jun needs preferential care that time. So I sat beside him. He’s as sad as he recalled the experiences that made the bigger, now-present Jun to be in a very low-esteem regarding many things. He narrated…I then consoled him…(see journal for the 3-page listening and conversation). You know what, after I gave the little Jun the assurance, I embraced him, he smiled, and I smiled too! I thank the Lord immediately! Then, another scenario flashed, and this time, a very familiar young adult, seemingly of the same age as mine, also bending his head down as he sat isolated and alone. Then I realized it was me again, but this time, already the grown-up Jun. So I sat beside him and in utter compassion and attentiveness listened to him as he poured out his emotions…we talked…he smiled…there was hope in his face. Then, I prayed to the Lord, that I may now set my feet to the ground, because I’m not yet that firmly grounded, I’m still floating, just so functional, help me grow deeper and deeper in Your love Lord! The Lord was there, as with Mama Mary, and their smiles gave me an assurance. Thank you!
From then on, I felt so comfortable, relaxed, contented, and so happy after the Holy Hour, what a prayer period Lord! So light was my feeling that time! So inspired! I felt assured, promised, full of life! I believe that more issues will soon be disclosed and treated this year, but with the grace of FOCUSING and PRESENCE, there’s already a clear and bright hope in every challenge.
See! How great is the Lord! Through His grace, He led me there… to a gift beyond myself…so transcendent…that without prayer I surely could not attain. Isn’t it worthy to be savored and nurtured!? Now, I see and I thank God, that during the month of June, I saw a glass HALF-EMPTY. Now, I’m still on July, but I already saw a glass HALF-FULL! Isn’t it so promising and hopeful?

LEONILO A. DAGPIN, JR.
July 14, 2008

TOO FAST! TOO FURIOUS!

Too fast. I was worried that time (as I am, most of the time, whenever I accompany) about the length of the communion song I played during the Mass, thinking that it might trample the next schedule, as well as, the presider and classmates might be in a hurry to finish the Mass. So, I didn’t continue the last few verses of the song and stopped midway thinking that it was already long enough. Then, few seconds later, Fr. Manol suggested, “be…slow, serene, still…”. I was immediately struck. “Was that because of what I did to the song a while ago?” I thought. As I looked around, most of my classmates looked at me with taunting smiles. Then I started to fell uneasy. Since before, I have been branded as “Boy Paspas” because I act and walk fast. An hour later, the mug I washed fell off my hands and broke its handle. “Oh my...! Could this be an affirmation!?” immediately entered into my mind. Hence, this is my theme for this paper. Since the start of the 2-week orientation, this had been my dominant theme during sharing periods.
Yes, all throughout the sessions, we had been tackling about what a future servant-leader should be. And with that, we had been given and citing examples of some diocesan priests who had been doing misbehaviors which misled the goal to be in the likeness of the Good Shepherd. Deep within me, at first I was convinced that I could cover them up by my innate good characteristics and deeds when I become a priest. But when the issue on how most priests struggled to devote quiet prayerful days for reflection during clergy retreats or just on their parishes, my idealistic imagination suddenly exploded like a bubble; I paused for a while. Then, I asked, “When I become a priest and be assigned in a busy parish, can and will I still set a weekend-per-month moment for solitude and prayer?”. The question was quite disturbing and haunting; and it was even more disturbing when I looked for an answer: I recalled the situation when I was still assigned at Cabanglasan, Bukidnon last year. And the answer was unsatisfactory. For that was when I was commented by the 2 priests regarding the irregularity of my presence during daily Masses. I am still a seminarian, and when I become busy and fast, I could not even open my breviary. Yes, I had deep and memorable prayer periods that time but it seemed that some of them were quite “fast”. Why? Because I always talk and ask and talk and ask… Well, clearly, it’s never wrong to ask as the Psalms would explain, and Christ himself said. But in looking for answers in prayer, I should not have been so “fast and furious”. Then it was from Fr. Manol (last week) that I grasped clearly the terms on how it is to look for answers – speaking (that’s what I do), listening (but sometimes not yet found here), and discerning (how? Where? (the answer could be somewhere, in a situation or experience, etc).
Too furious. Why do I easily react, get irritated or down when teased or commented by my classmates? To tell you, I was anxious. Could this be a sign of an emotional immaturity? Or simply because I lack the silence and love for prayer when there’s a lot of time I should have used? Both of them? I think so. Am I still a seed or a plant? Fr. Manol assured me (or us) that I am no longer a seed. Yes, I am a plant already! As I reminisced all my memories and my few rising-up-from-the-fall experiences, I could say I am a plant already; but still a tiny plant or even a tiny seedling whose stems just sprouted and opened up. There is still a lot of sack-full nurturing to be done; a lot of enriching-the-soil mechanisms to be cultivated; and this GY soil holds within me the promise and hope to grow. Yes, there are and could be some immaturities, self-pity and low self-regard, but I am consoled like particularly when Fr. Manol enumerated the series of activities that will happen this year. For then and there, deep in my heart, I exclaimed, “This is the ‘best’ seminary, and what a privilege and grace to be a part of this ‘pinaka’ seminary! This is where I belong! Like me as a son to Tatay, “Abba”!
Yet, alongside with that, comes also a reality of anxiety and pressure troubling my being now. “A 101% active participation of this program means an immediate ordination or even a canonization for a Galilean,” as commented by those who had heard of the restructured and more enriched GY (SHUPFY) program. Honestly speaking, this struggle within pressures me greatly now; peer pressure, inner noise. It’s as if I was still on top of the waves and wasn’t yet in the still and serene depths of the sea. I REALLY NEED MY “ABBA” NOW! As I realize it, it’s really prayer that I really desire and I really have to nourish it first and foremost. If before, this desire was still quite written on stone; this time, when I ask this need and grace for prayer, I mean it now! The Jesuits were right; I should have striven to commit myself in a deep-loving devotion to the Holy Eucharist. And yet, above all, I could not do all such things without the GRACE of God. That’s what I really desire. Because I believed that it’s the magnificent and mysterious GRACE of God that keeps me standing right now despite my limitations; that marks this smile on my face despite the jeers and low moments. With the help of the GRACE of God, through the director and his team, and with my classmates, may this GRACE of a prayerful servant-leader be the burning core that warms my whole being…and everything follows…slow and abanid. Thanks be to God!

LEONILO A. DAGPIN, JR.

LET ME GROW OLD WITH YOU, LORD!

First of all, during the retreat, especially on the 1st day, I was noisy…inside and out. Despite the struggle for stillness, I couldn’t help but converse with my fellows. Well, a year-full of rich and unforgettable experiences at Cabanglasan was worth the conversation. Or probably the adjustment in shifting from a year-long exposure outside into a 4-day silence was difficult. But as I prayed, yes I asked the grace of inner silence and stillness, I realized that the noise was not just an ordinary noise; it had something to do with a deeper struggle within, and thus would probably affect my disposition in the retreat and even as a Galileean. Truly, it was affirmed on the last day when I reviewed my retreat having reflected upon all the points for reflection and prayer.
My Day 2 experience with the Lord was full of smiles and excitement as I recalled and shared with Him all the significant experiences that happened during my Ministry year. I had so many things to say and express to Him. I was even able to fill up 10 ½ pages of memories, reflection and prayer in my journal notebook about Day 1 itself. Each experience had its lesson. Among such rich experiences were: Firstly, being with the Jesuits. For me, it was an honor and privilege to be with the 3 great personalities: Tatay Mat, Fr. Buboy, and Bro. Bong; and I really learned a lot from them. Another experience was my 40-minute walk a day with God, nature, and students that keeps fear, stress, loneliness and exhaustion away (These 2 significant experiences was narrated in detail during the sharing). And lastly, (though I still have so many things to share) being one of the highlights among the significant experiences was my relationship with the students and teachers at school, as well as, with the small kids in the parish. As regards relationship, they are just my brothers and sisters, very special to me. At school, though I was tasked to handle the office of Asst. Prefect of Discipline and CAT Command, the seminarian “kuya” image still dominated. At first, there was a pressure since these tasks contradicts my personality. So, praying and reflecting upon the situation, I realized that I could not do any “masking” but to really be my very self; and so I integrated a calm, prudent, good natured and a smiling “kuya” to such offices. And thanks be to God! It was so effective! As regards my students, I didn’t scold them the way some teachers do in terror. The teachers had been scolding them since the very start of the period in the morning. Why should I? Instead, I joined them, well, if that’s the way I could enter into their world, then why not! Except drugs and vices of course; but through their likes: music. During break times, I just stayed with them, play the guitar, sang songs, joked around, shared stories, listened…I should rather understand them. They have different backgrounds. Besides, I just couldn’t help myself; the goodness, this gift of smile, the tenderness that’s unique in me still dominated. At first, I was shocked. I even failed some boys on my Values class. They were just so badly behaved. But that was 1st Grading. Later on, the rest of the school year was a greater miracle. The misbehaved ones became my close friends; they can freely talk and share their stories with me. From them, I learned the values of understanding, especially PATIENCE! Without such misbehaviors, I could never appreciate patience; it was a grace under pressure, a blessing in disguise! With the kids in the parish, my gift of music was nourished…my patience too. Never in my life did I form a choir…and imagine what God had formed – children! Thanks be to God!
Like the 12 apostles, I too was sent to a mission, to a mission I could never, ever forget in my whole life…everything had a purpose! God put me to Cabanglasan for a special reason – to grow! Yes, I almost got hospitalized…I was so sick…I abused my body. But with all those significant experiences…it’s all worth the exhaustion! Now, Jesus invites me in this Galilee Year, so I really have to rest a while…
With Day 1, Day 2 even more led me to tackle my deeper noise. Just shortly after I sit on a chair inside the chapel, a scenario came into my mind; it just flashed: As soon as I entered the gates of FLMS and walked in the covered pathway, even if I wore a cap and bowed my head so as not to be recognized, the students immediately recognized me and they met me very, very happy, shouting… that made the rest of the students in the classrooms notice; they too rushed in excitement to meet me. That scenario resembled my first visit to the school after my Ministry Year.
What could such scenario mean? Why did the Lord show me such image? Will that be the same scenario when I go back to the school to visit? I truly believe God imparted that scenario into my mind, in order to impart an important message for me to ponder. I think God says, “Based on what you’ve done to the community at school and parish, that scenario will exactly be the thing that will happen when you go back to Cabanglasan”. But, what have I done? As regards contribution, I had not done great building projects such as walls, fences, etc. Yes, I was troubled about that at first. For what I did was to strum the guitar and practice them songs, teach my subjects, be with them on conversations; they were simply ordinary. But later on, God made me realize through that scenario the most important contribution I made: BEING MYSELF, giving myself, presence, time, sharing my gifts and smiles to them. God said, “Jun, that was enough, it can already leave footprints in their hearts”. Even the “notorious” among students, respected and would talk to me politely. They were sad when I left. I knew that there’s only a very thin line between humility and boasting. But, this time, this boasting is not that human. Allow me to boast all of these things in, to, and for God. That’s why I told my students, youth and kids before I left, “You may forget Bro. Jun and the other seminarians and JVPs that were and will be assigned here. But please, whatever you do, wherever you go, do not forget the One who is hanging on that cross. I am just an instrument of that Man, Jesus.” And I really thank Him for making me such an instrument; may I always be humble, I pray.
Now, let me go to the deeper noise. Something has been troubling me since the start of the GY, even before. And as what I’ve mentioned earlier, it had something to do with my retreat, and I really thank God for it surfaced this early. This noise really resonated with my desire for this GY. I hope and pray that I will be helped. What makes me worry right now is my hair; my head is getting balder at this early age of 24. I am ashamed to face people especially those old friends. That’s why I always wear a cap whenever I go to the city. My self-esteem is very, very low. I could not join conversations because I’m afraid that they will tease me with my hair loss. I even asked God to give me back the glory of my hair. Later I realized, that’s not the prayer I should say. Rather, “Lord, help me that I may regain my esteem despite my hair loss – that I may accept this in due time”. God, made me feel not to worry. That scenario I experienced is the answer. Yes, truly Lord, as what I’ve observed, the students at school were aware of my baldness, yet they do not give much attention to that; simply because it’s the goodness within that they value the most.
This is really a great test of patience, perseverance, and self-regard for me. Though, I believe that in due time I will soon accept, grow and transcend. To really value the necessary within and not on outward appearances. To still be the “me” that God intended me to be no matter what happens in the years to come. And these are my deep yearnings. I believe that the Lord invites me through this test to be focused as I move deeply into the GY.
Now I know that if I’ll go back to Cabanglasan, God assures, and I know and I believe that they will be very happy to welcome me again…to see me again. Thank you Lord for letting me be aware and remember that this goodness you gave me, that is within me, that I showed to the whole parish and school, that released the smile in my face, that makes me so compassionate and calm, despite my sinfulness and unworthiness – should always be remembered and cherished! In this way, my worries could not overtake such significant virtue within me.
God made me realize now, through the scenario, that I don’t have to be everything in order for people to love me. I just have to be myself! And everything follows.