Grace of God and Human Effort. Inseparable. SD and VPGA. Inseparable.
First of all, allow me to express my earnest gratitude and joy for being given the privilege and chance to have a regular session in SD and VPGA. I really (even badly) needed them, and my prayers were heard! Thank you dear directors for being so professional, gifted and patient!
Chaos was dominant these past weeks. Questions I no longer expected and questions I thought were already answered long before – called back. I was just simply used to show to people the “sweet and smooth” image in me. There were a lot of things that my actions used to “sweet-lemon” the sour parts. Academic and artistic excellence was among these. Those were among what people praise and say of me. Then, GY came. I could no longer hide. All my life, I was used to hide behind good images, but during that time I wasn’t able; no academic to cover them up. With no place to hide, the “child” just dropped his head in shame, fear and vulnerability. GY helped me, raised my head and assured me. Then came the following year. What a busy academic and community life. I was worried GY would go to waste since the issues were now matched back with my used-to-be hiding partners: academic, talent, and office. But GY had prudently prepared things up. For these past months, though already in the midst of busy academics and community functions, issues even made their presence all the more. I could no longer separate the two sides. The “child” insistently wanted my attention, he needs to be tapped, and this time, to be fully attended to, as if saying, “Kuya, it’s time to let all the TRUTH come out”. With these hard questions and facing of realities…why now?! But issues are still there, even “wilder” than ever. Look at me, inside the GA room, those walls know how vulnerable and naked I am…the other side of me which people never know; the side which I, affected by history and so through my actions indirectly and spontaneously, hated to expose. Yes, even though I get drained and exhausted after every session, it leaves me light-hearted: someone has listened, though the part of hesitation and the two extremes of spiritualization and rationalization are challenged and striven to be overcome. And thanks to my body, he never leaves me; he helps in absorbing the pressures I feel. I’m getting heard now. I’m getting treated now.
It was only this time that I began to deepen more and more the appreciation of how SD and GA sail together. Allow me to concretize such realization by sharing my recent significant experience last Friday during the Holy Hour. Three quarters of the time were spent in a complex of imaginations. But when the last quarter came, spontaneously did come out the unified feelings of exhaustion, which brought me to tears: the general (1 sem) feeling of tiredness in my office, the general feeling of restlessness in my academic part, the physical busy-ness and anxiety I felt after tediously preparing a lot of rooms and beds to accommodate my Iligan and Dipolog younger brothers, and the overall feeling of exhaustion, impatience, and frustration that I felt to the issues within me for being so “insistent” despite the weighty series of GAs and SDs, I just felt so weak and helpless as I gazed upon the Sacrament Most Holy. With a heavy shoulder, my mouth just uttered: “Lord, gikapoy ko! Gusto ko mopahuway! Going out of the seminary will not cater this “rest” that I need because the issues will still be with me wherever I go. I want that “rest” not just the literal one, but a “rest” that I can still get even though I’m working, what is that “rest” Lord? How?...” A few moments later, I just found myself sitting on a bench in front of very wide, beautiful, refreshing landscape of nature; like gazing upon the early-morning fresh Cabanglasan mountains and trees of green. I was just reclining free-style like a “tambay”. And, surprisingly, beside me was Christ. Whenever I look at him, he would just also look and smile at me. When I return to gazing upon nature, he would also do the same, just so relaxed and light, no words. I even became worried, because I don’t have a word to utter, but he was just there, patiently waiting when I’ll be going to speak…” I could feel He’s telling and showing me something; my recent session made me aware of that. It’s as if through His actions, He wants to tell me to re-examine what I see and pre-judge in others: |Look at me Jun…what do you think…gikapoy ug gipul-an kaha Ko nimo?” This is what you must do to yourself Jun, don’t carry the burden too much…rest...tambay. I believe there’s a lot more of it: more prayer periods, more quality time, more “bench-tambays” with Him; more sight-seeing…”
My companion once said, “Yes, truth will set you free; but before it does, it will disturb you first.” I’m IN! Struggles: ground for change, for something greater. Yes, draining, tiring. Yes, in me are still bits or chunks of fear, shame, insistently committed mistakes… If it’s for my good, God’s glory, and for the Church – I’m IN! “Storya lang! Salig! Maminaw ko! Tabangan ta ka! Be open! Please be patient…rest…Jun, tambay lang…” Thank you very much Human-Spiritual Formation Team!
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